Second half of episode 1 begins now!
Gwen and the weevil are having a Clarice-and-Lector moment, and Harkness assures her that what she’s seeing is real. A real alien, from another world, living in Cardiff. In the sewers, apparently. Yay, finally introductions of Torchies! The guy with the buttons is Owen Harper. He is cute, and far geekier than Harkness, which may be why I find him cuter. “Doctor Owen Harper, thank you,” he clarifies. The Japanese “computer genius” has a name I’m going to have to look up because Harkness says it really fast, and the other guy is Ianto, who “cleans up after us” (I bet that’s a full-time job), and “gets us everywhere on time.” So that’s the guy who nearly ran Gwen over a little while ago. Also, the hot guy from the office upstairs. I can has Yanto? Also, what happened to the chick with the glove from before? Or the one with the glasses? There’s a whole bunch of Torchies and I’m having trouble keeping them straight. Especially with Harkness around. Gwen protests that they shouldn’t be telling her things because it all must be classified. Uh, so why exactly did you go down there, Gwen? Her accent cranks up a few notches as she gets more nervous. “I mean, I’ve seen too much…”
Jack is ignoring her by now and has his awesome coat of awesomeness on (it has a lining!) and is barking orders – oh, computer genius is called Tash for short, so that’s easier than what he said before. He orders Gwen to come with him, and she says “I’m getting tired of following you.” With that ass? Seriously? Jack is thinking what I’m thinking because he smirks and replies “no you’re not.” He helps her climb up on a flat square slab of stone and says “come on, stand up here … next to me …” Hee. I knew he’d break down eventually. Gwen is wearing red Converses, which irritates me. With all the running she does, her arches must really hurt in those things. Gratuitous Converse All Stars are things I will only tolerate on the Doctor, and then only in grey and it took me awhile to come around, I can tell you. The block lifts up into the air slowly and Gwen grabs Jack’s arm, which he looks delighted about. It turns out the block is there to match the other paving stones on the street up above, and it slots up into a hole in the sidewalk, carrying Jack and Gwen to the surface by that big mirrored job we saw before.
Gwen protests that the lift is in plain sight, and everyone walking around can see them coming up through the ground. For someone who just came on the scene, Gwen really seems to think she knows how to run a super-secret alien frat house. She also notices she’s holding Jack’s arm and jerks away. Jack explains that there’s a “perception filter” all around the area so no one will notice them. He demonstrates by yelling at a guy who’s going by, who doesn’t react at all. He steps off the block and calls out to a woman walking by, who can now see him and looks kind of freaked out that some large American in a weird coat is hitting on her in the middle of the night. Gwen asks how it works and Jack replies amiably, “no idea!” followed by some technobabble including the phrase “chameleon circuit,” which Who fans should recognize as the Gallifreyan technology that camouflages the TARDIS.
Gwen is still stuck on the fact that there’s a great bloody hole in the ground when the lift is down in Torchwood, and won’t people fall in? “That is so Welsh,” says Jack, meaning not a tendency to fall into great bloody holes but a tendency to bitch about tiny details when she should be saying “wow, cool!” Actually, that sounds not so much Welsh as “sci-fi fan.” Way to get meta, writers. And we’re in a pub! Gwen is chugging some really weak-looking lager and Jack is drinking water. Or maybe straight vodka. It won’t be straight for long. Jack interrupts what he rightly calls her “how-can-this-be-real shpiel” by reminding her of the Battle of Canary Wharf, the Christmas Invasion, and other Doctor Who episodes as well. Aliens are real already, can we move on? I always hate this section of sci-fi and fantasy first episodes/first books where you have to convince the boring, ordinary, everyday main character that this stuff is real. Jack is with me, but Gwen keeps spewing stuff about “drugs in the water supply” and “psychotropic” and “terrorism” and “mass hallucination” and oh, by the way, I have a boyfriend. “Yeah, well your boyfriend’s stupid.” Yay, go Jack!
“so.” she says finally, “you catch aliens.”
“yes I do.”
“for a living”
“yep.”
“you’re an alien-catcher.”
“yes I am”
“catch any good aliens?”
“tons of them.”
“well, that’s a helluva job.”
Thank God that part’s over. Now let’s move on.
Gwen asks who Jack is, and he crosses his arms and stares at her, like how bad was that head injury anyway, and says slowly and carefully, “Captain. Jack. Harkness.” Gwen fails to either fall over in a swoon or start ripping off all her clothes, but instead tells him about the dead Captain Harkness from the database. “Well.” he says, “That couldn’t be me, could it?” He changes the subject quickly, going on about how Torchwood scavenges alien technology and how they’re autonomous from either the government, Heddlu, or even the UN. Insert George W Bush joke here.
As Jack assures her that all alien technology stays in the Torchwood base, we cut to Tash heading into her normal-looking kitchen and taking out some weird spiky thing from her purse. In his bathroom (presumably elsewhere), Owen is in a towel, drying his hair, and pulls some cologne out of the medicine cabinet. He holds it carefully in both hands, and the cologne starts glowing. Unnamed Torchie has the Two-Minute Gauntlet of Undeath in her purse at her house. So, way to enforce those rules there, Captain.
Okay, something really needs to happen here soon. I know it’s the first episode, and exposition has to be taken care of, but really. We’re half an hour in and we’ve seen one measly alien, which granted did kill somebody, but still. Let’s get going, plot! Instead of getting going, Jack continues to exposit that the Cardiff office is Torchwood Three; number One was in London and blew up, number Two is in Glasgow, and number Four has gone missing “but I’m sure we’ll find it someday…” he also mentions that there’s some big dimensional Rift in Cardiff that explains all the spookiness that goes on in Wales and why Torchwood has to be there to keep an eye on it. Gwen is not distracted by the expositioneering and asks, “but where are you from?” Jack and his perfect lips look perturbed. He chooses to interpret the question as meaning all the Torchies and replies “all over the place.” Gwen offers to be Torchwood’s liaison with the Heddlu, and Jack sighs. He says Torchwood isn’t interested in what the police do, and they’re only following around after murder victims to test out the Gauntlet of Undeath. Gwen points out that the Gauntlet could be of huge help to Heddlu Cardiff, but Jack shrugs it off, saying Torchwood’s work is more important and they don’t have time to muck around with serial murderers and silliness like that. Clearly he is unaware this is going to put him right smack on Gwen’s shit list, and she tells him as much, and threatens to out Torchwood to the police force if he won’t help her. Jack just grins and tells her that her weak-ass lager contained Morpheus’ Blue Pill, and that tomorrow she will wake up back in the Matrix and none of this will have happened. He pursues her as she runs out into the street, and tells her staying up all night won’t work because he tossed some sedatives in there too. Nice guy. He’s also really smug about this whole thing. She threatens to tell someone before the drugs kick in, and he replies that Torchwood will just hunt down anyone she talks to. “You bastard!” Gwen hisses at him. Yes, but he is a hot bastard, I’ll give him that. “Nice knowing you, Gwen Cooper.” He winks at her and strolls away.
Gwen is running again. I don’t know if that’s so smart after getting roofie-ed. Thumpy music plays. Gwen is sprinting. Someone should tell her that’ll actually speed up the sedative. Jack is still strolling along in his cool coat, being all evil and hot. Like he does. Gwen is a smarter cookie (biscuit?) than Jack gave her credit for, since she flops down in front of her computer and basically starts recapping the episode in what looks like police shorthand. Either that or the drugs are kicking in and the crazy typing is involuntary. I’d pull the ethernet first, Gwen, or Tash will be all over that. They can brainwash computers, too, you know. At yet another pub, Owen is trying to pick up girls. Owen is really really cute, by the way, in a weird, elfin, dorky sort of way, but he appears to be striking out with a bottle blond. She’s not your type, Owen! Find the nerdy girl hiding in the corner! Trust me on this one! Owen just smirks, whips out the glowy cologne, and sprays himself a few times. Suddenly we’re in an Axe ad. On the other side of town, Tash is using the spiky glowy thing (why is all alien technology glowy?) to download books and put them on her computer. I am unimpressed. Oh, and in Gwen’s rambly typing I get the Gauntlet-wielding Torchie’s name, which is Susie. That’s …. kind of incongruous. Anyway, Susie is using aforementioned Gauntlet to bring a housefly back to life.
Out on the street, it turns out the chick Owen bewitched has a bloke, and he is big, and not at all happy. Many many cursewords are bandied about and it pretty much looks like Owen’s about to get his pretty nerd ass pounded into the asphalt. …. until he sprays the guy with cologne. Now big angry bloke is making out with Owen (you’ll never see that in an Axe ad!) and says “I’m so havin’ you!” His girlfriend calls first dibs, and Owen is practically doing a jig. Okay, question: has Owen screwed everybody in Cardiff yet and, if so, does he have some of those amnesia drugs, or is every single day a morning-after for him and super-awkward? Okay, that was several questions. Whatever. Go, Doctor Owen, Professor of Manwhore-ology!
Okay, here’s what’s written on Gwen’s screen when she’s done basically drunk-dialing herself:
“Captain Jack Harkness in charge, commander? NB THIS IS TORCHWOOD
3 – another man] called Owen Harper, doctor, about 26 27, and a Japanese
woman called Toshiko??? (surname? Kado??) like some sort of computer
exper t-
Woman called Susie in charge of the glove, (2nd in command??) glove best
on murder cos of the trajuma the violencd – it bring s them back to life
They use this stuff they find it and use it but theyc an do
whart they want, noone;s in charge of thrmdes NO ONE
cos they don’t anbsweerr to anyne
Torchwood READ THISA!!!!!!
They mad eyou amnsia
REMEMBER IT TORCHWOOD CAPTAIN JACK”
aaaaaaand she passes out. As predicted, Ianto is actually working (unlike some people, Doctor Owen) and has access to her files, which he immediately deletes. Gwen’s screen goes black.
Cut to … the next morning! A big building! And …. holy crap, Jack is standing on the very edge of the roof. The camera pans all around him, carefully recording his perfect bone structure, and this is so awesomely, hilariously melodramatic. He fists are on his hips and he’s wearing the Coat of Awesome. A train goes by far, far below. The music is not nearly melodramatic enough. Harkness ftw! More and more shots of Harkness looming, pans and zooms and cut to Gwen, passed out on her desk. A hand puts a mug of coffee by her head. Boyfriend kisses her and rubs her back, asking gently, “did you get pissed?” Yeah, but Jack is kind of a douche and – oh, he means drunk. She says no. She doesn’t remember anything.
In the Swank Policestation of Swanky Grandeur, Gwen’s friend asks her if she had any luck finding “Captain Jack Harkness.” Gwen looks confused, like she’s never heard that name before. She goes up to her boss’s office and asks him how the investigation’s going. He replies “sod-all,” which is not a word I’ve heard before, but I can guess what it means. Something along the lines of “pear-shaped.” A new picture is attached to the evidence board along with the pictures of the murder victims. It’s a weird knife-looking thingy with lots of extraneous pointy bits. The chief explains that “they” worked it out on a computer that this is the shape of the murder weapon. The chief tells Gwen that it’s so distinctive-looking that they’re looking for any leads on the knife to find the killer. There’s a montage of Gwen going through her day in a daze, listening to her partner blather on and eat donuts, having dinner with Boyfriend, and we keep cutting back to the picture of the knife. Gwen looks really zonked out; the combination of heavy drugs and serious head injury is probably not doing her grey matter any favors. This point is further proven (proved?) when we cut to some swirly lights and things, then to Gwen lying in bed. Insomnia. It’s 2 am. Gwen closes her eyes and sees the knife resolve itself out of the swirly lights – not the drawing from the station, but the real thing, hanging on a wall. She gets up and sketches it on the back of an envelope. I should mention that Gwen’s starting to look a little nuts. I think maybe Jack overdid the dosage a little – I mean, she is very wee.
Gwen can see the knife clearly in her mind, but can’t seem to remember where she saw it. The knife is surrounded by swirly lights, like the sparks from a welding torch, and wisps of smoke. She’s getting pissed (by which I mean angry, not drinking herself into a stupor to drown out the crazy thoughts). Then the music hits a crescendo and her eye falls on the word “remember” written on a magazine cover, alongside a picture of the building in front of the Torchwood entrance. Gwen wanders off to go back to the building. She looks around and there’s Susie, silhouetted near the mirror statue. Aw, man, I just realized we’re going to have to have The Talk again, since Gwen doesn’t remember her first round. Are we going to drug her at the end of every episode? Because that’d be kind of funny.
Gwen’s subconscious, portrayed in this episode by lots of rapid cuts and shaky-cam, remembers Susie as the Torchie who was welding something in that long shot of the Torchwood headquarters. And hanging behind her on the wall? The crazy-looking murder weapon! Susie walks closer, closer … she’s giving Gwen a sort of pitying look as she comes out into the light and faces her. “Hello again.” she says, and Gwen gives her a good-natured smile, waiting for this woman to realize she’s talking to a stranger. Susie says that she’s the only Torchie who thought liaising with the police was a good idea, and that she read Gwen’s report about the murders. She reaches into her bag and whips out – the murder weapon! Gwen shakily says that she’s going to have to arrest Susie, then interrupts herself, saying “How do I know you?”
“He said you were good.” Susie says. She looks like she’s going to cry, and is getting more and more frantic. “Anyway, not much good now….but you’re going to put up a fight, so I’d better …” She stuffs the knife back in her bag and rummages around, looking really panicked. She whips out a regular old Earth gun, although a really large one. She holds it out cautiously, like someone who’s never held a gun before, much less pointed it at anyone. “There,” she says, not sounding at all confident, “that’s better.” Gwen tries to calm her down and get her to put the weapon down but Susie replies, “you had to come back!” Poor Susie. It looks like this is something she’d really rather not do, but this clumsy little stick-em-up was the best idea she could come up with. Maybe she should’ve convinced Owen to let her borrow the Axe spray.
Susie is freaking out, but keeps the gun trained on Gwen. She says that by tomorrow she’ll be gone, far away, and Torchwood will never find her. “What’m I going to do?” she weeps, “I loved this job, I really loved it!” She wails that the job’s getting to her, that all she can think is about why she gets stuck with all the “weevils and bollocks and shit,” and why all aliens seem to be “filth.” She’s seriously freaking out. Gwen asks her why she killed all those people, and she replies “for the glove.” Susie claims that the more she uses the glove, the better she gets at using it, and also the glove is her preeeeeciioouusssss. Since it works best on victims of violent death, she killed people and then brought them back for practice. Gwen doesn’t remember anything about any glove, but understands that she’s got a crazy killer here, with the murder weapon in her bag. Unfortunately, Gwen is in civvies and so has no radio or gun or anything. Susie is getting all crazy-eyes as she explains that with enough practice, she could make the resurrections permanent and conquer death, etc, etc. As she rails on, Captain Jack slowwwwwwwly slides up out of the ground on the lift between them in what appears to be a really bad bit of green-screen. Maybe they’re trying to make the perception field apparent? Who knows.
Still in the middle of her crazy babble, Susie mentions that the perception field doesn’t work on her, then whips around and shoots Jack in the forehead. He goes down, and Gwen makes an hilarious face. Susie turns the gun back to Gwen, who tries to charm her with her newly-rediscovered Welsh accent. “Please don’t..” Gwen is sobbing and freaking out, and Susie keeps advancing and repeating over and over “I’ve got to, I’ve got to, I’ve got to…” and Jack pops back up behind her, bullet wound still in the middle of his forehead. He orders her to put down the gun, as the little hole in his head slowly closes up with a nasty squiiiisshhhkkk noise. Gwen and Susie are both staring with their mouths hanging open, so I guess Jack’s little talent is not common knowledge among his coworkers. Susie, predictably, takes this opportunity to shoot herself in the head. Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t recover. Gwen looks up at Jack in horror. “I remember.” she says, before falling to her knees. It looks like it’s going to take quite a few beers for her to un-remember this little debacle.
Ianto packs up the gauntlet in a heavy lockbox, and puts on a little tag reading “not for use.” The Torchies plus Gwen all look around at each other in shock. Tash guiltily puts her little spiky scanner on the table, and Owen surrenders his Axe spray. Jack zips up Susie in a body bag and slides her into what looks to be Torchwood’s own personal morgue. Creepy. Outside, the sun is coming up on Jack and Gwen, standing in the middle of a big plaza. She tells him accusingly that he didn’t mention his little resurrection act to his co-workers, and he points out that neither did she. He tells her that she might get through this if she follows his lead. “I can’t die.” he admits. Gwen has clearly had an overload of Weird Shit in the past few days because she just mutters “ooooookay.” But she can’t help asking “how?” Jack says he doesn’t know, but someday he’s going to find a doctor (or, perhaps, a Doctor?), the “right sort of Doctor,” who can explain it to him. “Nothing kills you?” Gwen asks. He tells her that it “kinda freaks people out,” so he’d appreciate it if she wouldn’t tell anyone. He tells her he won’t wipe her memory again, since now that Susie’s dead there’s a job vacancy in Torchwood. He tells her that she was right, and that Torchwood should be doing more to help people. He offers again, and she accepts. Then we zoom out to see that, in a nice reversal of the first scene, what I thought was a plaza is actually a roof. A roof on a building shaped like a loaf of bread. wtf, Wales. We zoom out, and the pterodactyl swoops by.
Next Time on Torchwood: A comet crashes in Cardiff, carrying a parasite that forces the host to do nothing but have sex. Oh no! How will we know if Jack gets infected? Also, Owen is naked and in handcuffs. SCORE.
