We come in on Gwen and Owen running, as per usual. I’ve now seen every single character on this show running full tilt except Ianto. That would be very un-butlery of him. You never see Alfred Pennyworth hauling ass down the street, and there’s a reason. Tosh has them on some kind of headset and is yelling directions at them like some kind of severely stressed-out GPS device. She teases them by saying she hasn’t got a visual, but is tracking an alien signal. They’re getting warmer, warmer … Jack is in the Mystery Machine barrelling down the highway. Let me just say HOLY SHIT JACK IS DRIVING RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Tosh is giving him directions as well. Still no visual as they converge on the target. “Twenty seconds to contact. Fifteen …” Nothing stresses me out more than a good old-fashioned countdown. Ten seconds and we have visual, “subject is male, wearing a hoodie!” And running his ass off. Also, not obviously an alien. Those are really the best kind.

Running running running … so much with the running! Subject and Gwen dive under one of those barrier things they lower in front of shops at night, as it closes. How Indiana Jones. More running and jumping. Owen and Jack are well behind Gwen now. For her part, Gwen looks like she’s going to gnaw this guy’s ear off once she catches him. She gets close enough to grab at him, but comes away with his puffy jacket and a stitch in her side, and nothing more. “Damn!” But Tosh is jubilant from her desk in Torchwood. “You got him! You did it!” Gwen says no, she only grabbed the guy’s jacket, but Tosh swears that according to the computer, she got the alien. Gwen investigates the jacket and pulls out a weird metal device like a really big metal ergonomic mouse. It’s glowing with several different color LEDs, so you know it’s alien. Gwen gets this weird look on her face and pushes down on the button on top of the device.

There is a sort of weird woosh noise and Gwen is alone in a train station. The world is all wiggly and strange. Take the ring off, Frodo! Take it off! A small British child in a school uniform walks towards her with his luggage. God, nothing is creepier than small British children in school uniforms, unless it’s small Asian children with weird eyes. Horror movies have officially ruined small children for me. If he asks for his mummy, I’m out of here. Gwen is clearly with me on this one because she stares at the kid in horror. He’s tiny and blonde and has one of those shipping tags on him like the Pevensie children, and Winnie-ther-Pooh, the original, appears to be dangling from his hand. “Who are you?” asks Gwen, “Can you hear me?” It’s unclear whether he can or can’t see her, but he says to no one in particular, “I want to go home.” We get a closeup of his tag, and it reads Tom Erasmonius (?) Flanagan.

“No one knows who I am here,” Tom announces to the room, “I’m lost.” Gwen asks him to come back a few times, but does nothing else to stop him as he walks away and vanishes. She seems afraid to move or take her hands off the device. As she releases the button, the normal world (well, normal for this show) comes back into view, Jack racing towards her through the crowd. He apologizes for falling behind, then seeing her rather freaked-out and sweaty state, asks if she’s okay. “I’ve just seen a ghost…”

Title sequence! Beeedobeedoobeeedoobeedo! Back at headquarters, Tosh is examining the security footage from the train station. She can see Gwen grab the kid, pull off his jacket, and then … Jack and Owen come running in. No weird effects, no vanishing Gwen, not even any time passing. Nothing. Gwen is upset because now it looks like the entire thing was some kind of psychotic break on her part. Also, Ianto is serving them tea on a little tray. Hee. Gwen says that she couldn’t just see the little boy, she could hear his thoughts and share his feelings. She says she felt like she was a lost little kid too. “Intense emotions can be part of a neurological event,” says Doctor Harper, but it’s unclear whether by “neurological event” he means “psychic phenomena” or “Gwen going batshit crazy.” He accuses her of hallucinating, which, how long have you been working here, Owen, that you think she’s making stuff up? Jack clarifies that pushing the button on the device triggered the ghost encounter, then of course has to try himself. He doesn’t, though, because of loud protests from all the other Torchies. He holds up his hands in surrender and says, in this very valley-girl kind of way, “As if !” Dude, does anybody actually say that anymore? I know Jack is from the past and all, but I didn’t realize it was California 1982. Also, why are we not pushing the button? Small British Child was not that creepy.

Tosh is using CCTVs to track down the guy who was wearing the jacket, and considering the British are the most video-taped people in the world to my knowledge, that shouldn’t be too difficult. The little boy will be harder to get info on, but luckily Gwen memorized his name from the tag. Apparently his middle name is just Erasmus? That’s still pretty intense for a middle name. Poor kid. Tosh starts looking up records, but Owen shows her up by grabbing the phone book and finding him first. “74 Brynaeron Terrace, Butetown!” I should note that this is not the address on the kid’s tag, which was something like Poppythorn Drive.

In Butetown, we get a closeup of the door. Knock knock. “Hi,” says Gwen to the lady who answers, “I’m DI Cooper and this is DS Harper.” They flash badges and get permission to come in and ask some questions. “Dad, we have visitors,” says the woman, seeming flustered, “It’s the Police.” “Oh, caught up with me at last, have you?” jokes Pa Flanagan. Hee. I kind of like him. Chez Flanagan is rather old-fashioned, with antique furniture, grandfather clock, and ugly floral wallpaper. Or maybe that’s how all living rooms in Cardiff look. I wouldn’t know. Gwen tells them that this is just a routine check for anyone with information about an incident at the train station last night. She also introduces Owen as a trainee, which earns her a nasty look. Get a room already, you two. The young lady says they weren’t at the train station, because they were watching the finals of some reality show. She and Owen gossip about contestants for a bit before Gwen banishes Owen to the kitchen with Pa Flanagan’s daughter. That’s really not a good idea.

“She’ll talk him to death out there,” warns Pa, and Gwen replies, “Oh, he’ll give as good as he gets.” Not. Okay. Gwen says that even though the Flanagans weren’t there to see anything, she has to get him on record. She confirms that he’s Tom Erasmus Flanagan and he says yes, and so was his father and his father before him. Gwen notes by his accent (or lack thereof) that he’s not from round these parts, and he confirms that he was evacuated in the War 66 years ago but that he still sounds like a “barrowboy,” which I will have to look up. Not a barrowman, surely, because those sound American on this show. Okay, apparently it means “a hawker of fruits or vegetables from a barrow.” Means the same thing as costermonger, which sounds delightfully obscene and which clears up exactly nothing for me. Tom the Elder starts reminiscing sadly about being shipped out with his suitcase and his name on a card. He left from Paddington Station with his bear, although the bear is not in wellies nor jacket. He says he was eight years old and it was the last time he ever saw his family. He was scared because no-one there knew him – he was let off at the wrong station because the people in charge forgot about him, and he was left alone, wandering down a tunnel. He repeats the sentences said by the little boy in Gwen’s vision, but says he was eventually found and taken in by a nice childless couple in Cardiff.

Holy crap, so sad. But the kid didn’t die or get lost forever, so what’s he doing in the little device? This isn’t the gas-mask boy from Ghosts of London we’re dealing with here (THANKFULLY). Gwen hashes this over with Owen (who is pissed at her for shunting him off with the blabby daughter) as they walk down the street. Her phone rings. Rhys (aka Incomprehensible Boyfriend) is speaking much more clearly today (earning himself a real name) and is nagging at Gwen about never knowing when she’ll be home or not. He says he’s going out with the guys, which should be good for him, maybe make him sound a bit less like a naggy wife. Owen starts leaning on the horn in the BBSUV, because Owen is eight years old and has no patience.

Swoopy shot of the Bread-Loaf Building! It’s actually called the Millennium Center (or rather Centre) or something, but it does look like a big metal bread loaf. Seriously, go find a picture. Jack has found the name of the guy in the jacket, which is “Sean Harris, aka Bernie.” The hell? Can someone please explain to aka Bernie exactly how it is that nicknames work? aka Bernie is 19 years old with prior convictions for theft and such. Tosh explains that the theft was for tyres he was stealing off a car when the owner showed up, at which point he apologized, put them all back on, and then the police showed up. All he managed to shoplift was some vodka and cup noodles. Mmmm, breakfast of champions! “A criminal mastermind,” comments Owen, from his station at the arcade game, where he is blowing up aliens. Jack says he’s analyzed the device, and found it to be alien (just look at the LEDs, Jack! Duh!) and very advanced, saying it “makes NASA look like Toys-R-Us.” They decide to go after aka Bernie, who lives in Splott. “Splott?” asks Owen in horror. “I believe estate agents pronounce it Splow.” replies Ianto in his best stuck-up butler voice. Rhymes with blow, not plow.

Cue a sequence of people who know aka Bernie but refuse to have anything to do with the lying, swindling little thief, including his own mother, and a lady who says she “wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.” Hee. Owen and Gwen (only one letter difference!) are lunching on the waterbank, and Owen calls Bernie the “Scarlet Pimpernel of Splott.” Has Owen ever read a book in his life? I don’t even mean that particular one, just any book? They are joined by Tosh, who hasn’t had any luck either, and Jack, who is wearing the Coat of Awesome and looking Intense. He leads them off without a word, though they finally get him to explain that they’re going back to the train station to try to recreate the events that triggered the device. “We don’t know what it is or what it does,” Gwen protests. “Nope,” Jack replies. “It could be dangerous!” “Yep.” When did these guys all become such babies? Jack echoes my sentiments and tells them they need a challenge. “This door to door stuff never gets us anywhere,” bitches Owen.

Just then, the device (which Owen is holding) starts beeping and going crazy again. The others don’t notice and are leaving without him. He pushes the button, and he’s under a bridge at night in a rainstorm. A small figure (though taller than the little boy) stumbles along a little distance away, holding a purse. She comes closer and it proves to be a blonde lady all in pink, with an ugly hairdo and a pink bow. She is crying. “He’s a right bastard!” she sobs to no-one, pulling out a compact, “My mum was right. His eyes are too close together.” She adjusts her makeup and gasps that she should have known better than to go with him. “What’s your name?” Owen asks, and from down the tunnel a menacing voice calls “Liiiiiiizziiieeeee…”

She shrinks against the wall as a man in a suit approaches. Owen is still transfixed. Lizzie seems to gather herself. “You’re a bad one, Ed Morgan! The girls said not to go with you and they were right!” Ed approaches as she backs away and tells her he likes her because she’s not like the others. From the Elvis hair and the clothes, I’m guessing we’re in the fifties here. Ed is kind of cute in a creepy, girly sort of way. He tells Lizzie he can see her for who she really is. She appears to be giving in. He grabs her and kisses her, but then the music gets all creepy and Lizzie starts fighting and pulling away. She shoves him off and he slaps her hard. Owen has this hilarious look on his face like “maybe I should…but this thing is stuck to my hand…but he just….and the…and he’s like a foot taller than me…”

Ed gets out a knife and begs Lizzie in this calm, creepy serial-killer voice not to make him hurt her. He drags her off against the wall as she screams for help, and poor Owen is really freaking out. He may be about to see someone get killed. As he starts hyperventilating, the vision quest or whatever ends and he’s back in Splott having a panic attack. The other Torchies come rushing over, asking if he’s okay. “She … she … she was so … scared …” he gasps. Advanced alien technology has finally allowed Owen to feel real human emotions! Spooky! “I couldn’t … I couldn’t move … I couldn’t …” He’s on the verge of tears, which really seems to creep out the Torchies. He takes a deep breath, visibly trying to pull himself together, and then he suddenly just breaks down and starts crying. Awwww. Somebody give Owen a hug! Like, now! I am serious!

Building O Bread. The Torchies are recapping the two encounters. Owen is looking really uncomfortable and embarrassed. He won’t look at any of the other Torchies and is fidgeting around. Gwen clarifies that it’s not just seeing the event, it’s feeling the emotions as well. “Feeling emotions that aren’t yours,” she says of Owen. Well, of course they weren’t his – Owen has no actual capacity for empathy unless he borrows it. Tosh has found Lizzie’s name. “Elizabeth Lewis, only child of Mabel Ann Lewis of Hatford Street, died March 29th, 1963.” Owen involuntarily drops the stuff he’s holding and jumps up from the couch. “Raped and murdered under the bridge at Penfro Street when she was 17 years old.” Tosh says no-one was ever implicated in the murder, and Owen, in this kind of creepy, quiet voice, demands she look up Ed Morgan. Tosh protests that it’s a common name, and Owen grabs his head in his hands in frustration. Just then the scanner they’ve been using on the device starts beeping, identifying it as a quantum tranducer, which apprently converts energy from one form to another. Hey, I have some of those too. It’s called an ear. Or a tongue. Or a stomach … Owen is ignoring them and sitting off by himself, shuffling through papers and still looking shell-shocked, but trying to hide it. Will no-one give this boy a hug?

“Of course,” says Jack about the device, “It’s emotion. Human emotion is energy!” No, it’s chemicals, brainiac, but thanks for playing. He goes on to blabber about deja vu and feeling like someone’s watching you when there’s no-one there. Owen is chewing his fingernails. I’m serious, this is an emergency situation here. There are going to be serious problems if this boy does not get a hug soon. He hasn’t heard any of what they’ve been saying. “What else do we have on Lizzie Lewis?” he demands, “What else have we got?” Tosh protests that the records from the 60s aren’t all that great but he’s getting belligerent. “Newspapers! Witness statements! Coroner’s reports! There must be something!” Jack tries to shut him down, but he protests “I saw it happen!” “No you didn’t! You saw an echo of a moment amplified by alien technology!” Jack yells back. Oh, hell. That is not a hug at all. Jack tells him to cool it already with the Lizzie obsession because they’re still focusing on Bernie Harris. He sends Owen home and snaps at Gwen to come with him, that is Jack. Owen gathers up all his stuff and the files about Lizzie. He’s still all twitchy. This is not good. Emotions bad for Owen!

Jack is in the shooting range with a bunch of guns and some targets he is going to pretend are Owen. As per usual, probably. He tells Gwen that she needs to learn to use a gun. She’s all charmed and squealy, like a little kid at Christmas, and since when is she so gung ho about firearms? She gets all giggly and says she doesn’t even squish bugs in the house. “Nor do I,” says Jack, “Not with a gun, at least.” Then he gives her a funny look. Sometimes I wonder if Jack is really sarcastic and funny, or just kind of a doofus. Initiate Flirty Gun-Instruction Sequence! Complete with correcting of stance, suggestive touching of Gwen’s hair, and the standing wayyyyy too close for Gwen’s comfort. “Hold it firmly … don’t grip it …” N! S! F! W! “Squeeze gently … “ and she hits the target dead-on. “Wow.” Gwen gasps. And that was just the warm-up round! “That was a joint effort. Try it again, this time on your own …” Okay, I’m going to stop here. There are many more inappropriate comments but you get the idea, I’m sure. Incidentally, Jack makes the Blue Steel face when he fires his, uh … gun. Great. Now everything sounds dirty.

MOVING ON! Gwen realizes it’s getting really late, and asks Jack whether he ever goes home, or if he lives at HQ. “Got to be ready,” Jack non-replies, “The 21st century is when it all changes.” She asks when he sleeps then, and he says he doesn’t. “Doesn’t it get lonely at night?” aaaaaaand we’re back into Inappropriate Territory, ie the one-mile radius surrounding Jack Harkness at all times. Gwen says she has to get home to Rhys, and they say goodnight. Oh Iaaaaaantoooo!

Gwen comes home to an empty house and a message from Rhys on the answering machine, saying he’s over at Dav’s and winning at poker. He also says “Ta-rah” at the end of the message, which is the cutest thing ever. Aw, Incomprehensible Boyfriend may be winning me over. Gwen reaches into her purse and takes out what the Torchies call the Ghost Machine, but which I am dubbing the Thingie of the Week.

Sad, sad, shell-shocked, hugless Owen is staring at the river, holding a photocopied news article as the dialogue from his Lizzie encounter runs through his head.

Back at Gwen’s house, the TotW is beeping again. She pushes the button. And sees herself and Rhys in her kitchen. She is in her uniform and threatening to handcuff him. Rhys purrs “promises, promises,” and tells her he’s proud of her. They toast with champagne. I gather Gwen just passed her exams or whatever to become an official officer. Modern-day Gwen looks all sad. The vision ends, and she hits the button again. More sappy moments with Gwen and Rhys. Just as this one fades, the real Rhys comes in and says Dav and his girl had a fight and he came home. He’s penitent for being all snappy earlier, and says he’s just happy she comes home to him at the end of the day. “I’m here,” she assures him, “and you’re gorgeous.” I think six of my teeth just rotted. Eugh. They smooch. I vomit. They snuggle, and Gwen sneaks the TotW back into her purse.

TBC. Stay tuned for Owen’s complete psychotic breakdown.