part 3

We get a replay of Romana’s disappearance. Down in Tracy’s basement, Rumford is taking awhile to catch on, so Four explains that Fey is actually the Lady Montcalm, and Trefusis, and a number of other women as well, including a Mother Superior. Rumford protests that that’d make Fey over 150. “So?” says Four, biting his fingernails again, “What’s 150 years when you’ve been around for more than 4,000?” He tells her right out that Fey is the Cailleach. Down the hallways, something is glowing and the purring noise starts again. Four and Rumford beat a retreat as one of the Ogri-stone-things busts in. Oh, hi, there stagehand! Maybe you should move your elbow!

They run out into the garden and lock the door behind them. Another Ogri is blocking the gate out.
“Did I understand you, Doctor? Those things are made of stone?”
“Yes, and they’re catching up on us!”
“But that’s impossible.”
“No, it isn’t – we’re standing still!”
Rumford protests a bit, then gets all excited about the idea of a new silicon-based life form. She stops Four as he’s trying to get her out of the way, and tells him they need to capture the Ogri in the name of scientific progress. Four looks utterly horrified. She plants her fists on her hips. Oh dear. Rumford whips out her truncheon and cries, “We’ll track it to its lair!” Four rolls his eyes, grabs her elbow and drags her off.

They end up by the side of the cliff Romana fell off of earlier. The Doctor whips off his overcoat and makes like a bullfighter.
“I know you’re under considerable strain, Doctor,” says Rumford, “But please do try to keep a grip on yourself.” Lady, this isn’t even bad. Trust me. The Ogri charges and Four whips the coat away from the edge of cliff, yelling “Ole!” The Ogri goes over with a bellow and Four and Rumford look down to where it’s shattered on the rocks below. They head off to find the Cailleach.

Fey herself is back in full furry-outfit, drawing a flaming circle on the ground with her wand. Four tells her to take off her mask because he knows who she is. She obliges, and Rumford demands to know whether it’s true and she really is the Cailleach.
“Oh, I’ve been so many things,” Fey replies, “For so many years!”
She tells Four that he can’t threaten her because she’s got Romana as a hostage. He tries to bargain with her for Romana and the Key, but she just zaps him with her wand and vanishes. She tells them as she disappears to count the stones. The Doctor gets up and realizes three of the stones are missing, and Rumford fills in for any slow viewers that the stones and the Ogri are one and the same. There are three of them, named apparently “Gog, Magog, Ogres.” The Doctor sends Rumford back to Fey’s house to find some crystals, while he gets some stuff from the TARDIS. They meet back at the cottage, where Four is building an incredibly phallic-looking laser beam thingy. Rumford says she’s found the crystals Fey was using, and they use them to power the laser, after the Doctor gives them a taste and holds them up to his ear.

Four explains that Romana is being hidden in hyperspace, so they’ll have to go get her. In other words, for those who have the key and can find the door, a stone circle’s bigger on the inside. K9 starts ranting about special relativity until the Doctor shuts him up. Apparently now that K9’s recovered Four’s tender feelings for him have once again waned. They get into an argument over the thing he’s building and Four wails, “All right! All right! Will you be quiet and let me get on with it??? He’s a terrible old gasbag,” he adds to Rumford.
“I still don’t understand about hyperspace,” Rumford says.
“Well,” says the Doctor kindly, “Who does?”
K9 of course pipes up: “I do!”
“Oh, shut up, K9!” Haaaaaaaaaa. Don’t worry about it, chum, in a few hundred years you and Mickey can commiserate about being underutilized and yelled at for no reason by the Doctor. Anyway, Rumford seems to have caught up and rattles off an interpretation of special relativity, basically, that speed faster than the speed of light through space is not possible, because time gets distorted.
“You’d arrive at your destination before you’d left your starting point!” she says, and Four laughs.
“Absurd, isn’t it?” he says, and goes off on how it’s perfectly possible if you add a fourth spatial dimension (the fourth dimension isn’t actually time, guys. Sorry.) but that Einstein wouldn’t believe him when he tried to tell him. He tells Rumford about the bigger-on-the-inside thing going on in the stone circle.
“Oh, I see now,” she says.
“You do? Good! Perhaps you can explain it to me sometime when you have a spare moment.”

“Doctor,” Rumford says cautiously, “…may I ask you a personal question?” Uh oh! Danger, danger! That planet was totally like that before he got there! He’s never heard of any Sontaran Incident! Shadow Proclaimation? Buh? Lalalalalala I can’t hear youuuu – oh, wait, this is pre-Time War. Not that Four doesn’t have any issues but still. But Rumford just wants to know, “Are you from outer space?”
“No.”
“Oh.” She’s really disappointed.
“I’m more from … what you’d call inner time.” He sweeps the laser off the table and places it on its tripod on the floor, and asks K9 what he thinks of it. Well, I personally think it looks like one of the most dangerous sex toys I’ve ever seen, but no-one asked me. K9 says it’ll work, but only for about 30 seconds, after which it’ll explode. Well done, Doctor. Covered all your bases there. K9 also says that when the Doctor ends up in hyperspace he needs to mark where he came in so he can get back out in the same place. They all scurry off.

In the circle (it’s daytime now) the Doctor tells Rumford how to operate the portal-gun or whatever it is (no technobabble name for it? Shame on you, Doctor!) and tells her to be careful because after about 30 seconds it’ll go pow. “Pow?” she asks.
“Yes, pow. Pow is a technical expression, Professor, meaning that all the microcircuitry will fuse into one ngyuh of molten metal.” He tells her that K9 will protect her from the Ogri, but that if he fails, she should revert to Time Lord Plan B, ie, “run as though something very nasty were after you, because something very nasty will be after you.” Hee. I think that’s actually every episode ever. He tells her that, once he’s on the other side, she needs to switch on the portal-gun for less than 30 seconds every half-hour or so in case he wants to come back out. Rumford’s worried he’ll be lost forever. “Oh, don’t worry about me,” says Four, who is being very quotable this episode, “You know what they say about hyperspace – it’s a theoretical absurdity! I’ve always wanted to be lost in one of those….” He get ready, tells her to aim at him … we count down … she pulls the lever … and the portal-gun explodes. Oops.

“Switch it off!” Four screams, “Switch it off switch it off!” The end of the laser in on fire, in what would be an extremely painful state if that was actually the bit of anatomy it so luridly resembles. Rumford is worried she messed up, but K9 snarks, “There is an error in the circuitry – you are not to blame.” At least it could be snarky. Four gets pissed at him again and takes out a jeweler’s loupe to find the problem. He fixes it, and two Ogri choose this moment to approach. K9 counts down the time the Ogri will get there, and the Doctor tells Rumford to try again, quickly. K9 fires on the Ogri, Rumford fires the portal-gun, and Four vanishes.

The Doctor reappears in a corridor (of course) spinning around and looking rather seasick. He staggers into a wall and acts stealthy. “Romana?” We get a shot from outside – he’s in a spaceship, though not in space. Instead of stars, there’s a sort of swirly void behind it. He marks the floor with chalk, very Theseus in the labyrinth, and heads off down a corridor. A creepy face in silver makeup watches him through a window. We see Romana with her arms shackled to a wall in a cell, next to C3PO’s low-budget cousin. She really is one of the calmest Companions while in danger. She just seems vaguely bored. I think all Time Lords must have awful ADD or something, but it’s like that guy Leonard from the Discworld books – how terrifying would it be if one of them actually concentrated on one thing for any length of time?  Four starts opening doors at random, and a rubber skeleton falls out of one, in the best tradition of neighborhood haunted houses. He kicks it back inside and opens the next door. Romana looks up as his big shaggy head pops in. “All change at Venus for the Brighton Line!” he yells, and she grins at him. He releases her wrists with the sonic screwdriver and explains some of what’s happened. Romana refuses to believe she’s locked up in hyperspace, because it’s a theoretical absurdity. I think I must’ve missed something (or the writers did) because I figured hyperspace was where the TARDIS went every time it demats! Anyway.

Four has located the control room and starts pressing buttons. Asteroids appears on the screen. Yay, love that game! Oh, wait, it’s a map or something, of the stone circle and the big hyperspace ship above it. Wait … now Romana’s saying hyperspace is different from “ordinary four-dimensional space.” I think my small knowledge of fourth-dimensional geometry is actually really hurting me here because I am foolishly trying to make sense of all this. The Doctor continues to ravage the controls, causing all kinds of insane things to happen on the big screen, while Romana tries to puzzle out what’s going on. Four finally breaks the controls or something because the screen goes blank and he suddenly gets bored of pushing buttons. He suggests they go find the third segment, which should be nearby, and Vivien Fey. The sets of the ship are actually pretty spiffy, although the model of the outside leaves a lot to be desired. It looks like a painted Erector model with some microphone covers on the back which, considering this the sixties Who, might be exactly what it is.

Down on Earth, K9’s holding off the Ogri but says his battery’s running out. Rumford scolds him and asks what’s happened to his Dunkirk Spirit. The Ogri suddenly turn and head off. Rumford thinks they’ve won, but K9 points out that they’ve grown weak and are going off to find more blood. The Ogri head off and kill some unsuspecting campers. That’s what you get for squatting on peoples’ property, kids!

Up on the ship, Romana wants to let the other prisoners out, but Four is reluctant, since after 4,000 years, the ones that aren’t dead are going to be pissed about being in there for so long. He pokes around and decides it must’ve been a convict ship, carrying prisoners. One door has a little sign on it that Four can’t read (I’ll buy it – the TARDIS isn’t here so it can’t translate for him). He wonders if it means “do not open,” so of course now he has to open the door. He gets out the sonic screwdriver and very ceremoniously … bashes it against the lock until it breaks and the door opens. They look inside, while two little sparkly, Tinkerbell dealies float out over their heads. The sparklies hang out near the ceiling. Is it bright and shiny? Must touch it! The Doctor goes to poke one of them but it snaps in a gurgly voice, “It is not permitted to touch the Megara!” He apologizes. The Megara explain they are law machines, “judge, jury, and executioner!” Their voices remind me of the Helping Hands. Or maybe the Mooninites. Four grins at them nervously. “It’s a great relief,” he says, edging towards the door, “To see the law is in such capable, er, hands …. we must be going now!”

The Megara chase them down and demand to know who broke the seal on the door. Four tries to blame Romana but gives up and admits it was him. “No-one may remove the seals without authorization,” say the Megara, “The penalty is death.” Four promises never to do it again, and the sparklies consider this, then start arguing over who will represent the Doctor and who will officiate. They jabber in legalese while Four and Romana sneak away.

Back on Earth, K9’s battery’s just about dead. Rumford switches on the beam again to see if the Doctor wants to come back, and a figure appears in the portal. It’s Vivien, in yet another costume, a sort of metallic dress and headwrap, with silver makeup all over her skin. K9 threatens her but his lasers are completely out of power. She laughs at him, then picks up her wand and blasts the portal-gun to bits. Rumford yelps in horror and Vivien summons the Ogri, now recharged, back to her.

Back on the ship. Four and Romana are trying to keep ahead of the little sparkly Megara. Four finds his chalk mark and places Romana on it. She puts her arms around his waist and they wait a bit, but the beam doesn’t turn on. Fey appears with her two Ogri to tell them it’s because she destroyed the portal-gun. The Ogri look really out of place in all this white, shiny spaceship stuff. She tells the two Time Lords they’ll be trapped in the spaceship forever. Cue evil laughter!

part 4

“Too late, Doctor!” cackles Vivien, who is doing the classic Evil Mastermind thing, “There’s no way out!” She calls the Ogri, who she treats sort of like a pair of large dogs, to come and take care of the Doctor, but a gurgly voice interrupts. “You will not harm the defendant!” The cosmic lawyers get ready to sue for damages, and Fey gasps in horror. “The Megara!” She’s shocked and confused, Four’s favorite kind of villain, and he rushes to get the upper hand. “They friends of yours?” He greets the Megara cheerfully. One of them flutters by his head and says that the Doctor has been tried and sentenced in his absence.
“The sentence is death,” gurgles on of them, “The sentence is to be carried out immediately.”
“Ooooo,” says Vivien, grinning, “May I watch? You don’t mind, do you Doctor?”
“Oh, no please! Be my guest!” But Four isn’t quite ready to put on his cricket uniform just yet. He jabs a finger in the Megara’s, er, face. “Objection!” he shouts, “How can there possibly be a sentence when there hasn’t been a trial yet?” The Megara patiently explain that they did all that already.
“I defended you,” says one of them proudly.

“And he was most eloquent on your behalf!”

Four wants to defend himself, but they shoot that idea down, saying humanoid life forms aren’t good at law the way machine minds are. Don’t worry, Doctor, you’ll get your chance in a few regenerations. And it’s coming out on DVD in … a month or so now.

Four decides to play along. “I wish to appeal,” he tells them solemnly. The Megara go off to discuss this sotto voce, or rather shrieky voce, since they communicate by squeaking at each other like phone modems. Vivien interrupts to tell them not to bother humoring the Doctor, thereby foolishly calling attention to herself. The Megara want to know who the hell she is. Romana comes in to tell them she’s the villain, but they aren’t having any of it and tell her she’s out of order. The Megara agree to stay the Doctor’s execution for two hours while they hear his appeal. He grins and Romana looks relieved. “Afterwards,” they continue, “the execution will take place as ordered.” Hee. Whoops.

Down in the stone circle, it’s about noon. K9 slowly raises his head and says he’s nearly recharged, but he can’t move. Rumford is relieved he’s okay, but says the portal-gun is destroyed. K9 tells her they can fix it. “Me?” she says, “But I’m an archaeologist, not an engineer!” Dammit, Jim!

Romana wants the Doctor to impress the Megara with his Time Lord-ness, but he says that doesn’t hold any sway with justice machines, who follow the law to the letter and basically find everybody guilty of something punishable by death. There’s a moral in here somewhere. They begin the appeal and Four calls Romana to the stand, whipping out a ratty grey judge’s wig from his pocket and putting it on. It doesn’t even begin to cover all his hair. He produces some manila folders and legal pads from … somewhere and the Megara swear her in and train a shiny beam on her forehead. She asks what it’s for and they say it’ll detect if she’s lying, and imply it’ll kill her if she does. Four puts on his Serious Face and shuffles papers importantly, and starts questioning Romana.

Rumford is back at home and making progress on the laser, which is slowly coming back together.

Four calls Fey as his next witness, but she refuses and calls in the Ogri. The Megara calmly blast one of the Ogri into powder. “I will take the oath,” says Fey wisely. Four tells Romana that Fey is a criminal who was imprisoned on the ship. Romana wants the Megara to arrest her, but Four explains they’re Justices, not policemen, and serve one function. Arresting people isn’t it. Therefore they’ll have to dig up some evidence and formally charge her with something, then let the Megara take care of the rest. He sends Romana to go wait at the portal, so she can try to get back to the cottage and find some evidence. Romana strolls calmly past the Ogri and paces by the portal. Four is trying to get the Megara to train the truth-beam thingy on Fey so he can ask her some questions, but they’re refusing.

Rumford manages to activate the beam in the stone circle just as the last remaining Ogri comes up behind Romana. They get portaled back to the field and the Ogri shoves Romana over, but she jumps up and beats a retreat with Rumford and K9. They get back to the cottage and start looking for clues while K9 guards the door.

Up in hyperspace (in in hyperspace? ana in hyperspace?) Fey consents to the truth beam, figuring that the Doctor is an idiot and harmless. He’s been leading her to believe that he’s trying to pin the opening of the cell door on her, and she knows she didn’t do it. They put the beam on her and ask if she opened the compartment. She says no, and smirks at the Doctor. He tells the Megara that probably their circuits are all screwed up from being locked up for so long, and is met with angry metallic screeching. He tells them to test out their truth detector by asking her some simple questions like, oh, I don’t know, her real name? The Megara are getting fed up with Four, though, and dismiss Fey and get ready to execute him. Four just grins and calls the Megara to the stand.

Rumford and Romana are ransacking the cottage. Well, actually Rumford is ransacking and Romana is reading cookbooks. Hee. Romana notices some things crossed out, and Rumford says Fey is allergic to citric acid, among other random things. Romana thinks Fey must have a weird, non-human metabolism. I mean, really, who doesn’t like lemon tea? Aliens, that’s who. Rumford lists all the things Fey can’t eat, and K9 tries to narrow down where she’s from by checking his memory banks. Hope she’s not from the planet Tennis Ball.

The Megara, after some discussion and squeaking, take the stand. Four asks them what they were doing on the ship, and they explain that they were going to Diplos, a G-class planet in Tau Ceti for the trial of a humanoid prisoner. Down at the cottage, K9 has narrowed it down to a G-class planet in Tau Ceti. Just then, the last Ogri swoops through the yard and comes crashing in the front door. Our three heroes snatch up the portal-gun and make a run for it again.

The Doctor has established that the Megara were going to try a prisoner accused of murder, and of stealing the Great Seal of Diplos. The Seal has the ability to transmute objects and transport things in and out of hyperspace. Suspicious. Four cackles and asks the prisoner’s name. Cessair of Diplos. However, the Megara have no idea what this Cessair looks like. Four tries to convince them that Fey is Cessair, but he has no concrete evidence. Romana sets up the portal-gun in the stone circle and gets ready to bring some to him. The Megara have had enough and tell the Doctor to prepare to be executed. He flings down his papers in exasperation and yanks off the wig, fluffing his hair back up. “Waitaminute, waitaminute!” he says, “Aren’t you supposed to be offering me a last toffee apple or something? A hearty breakfast? A free pardon?” I love that that occurred to him only after toffee apples and hash and eggs. The Megara fire, and Four jumps forward and grabs Fey. They both get shot and collapse. After a moment, Four lifts his head. “Hullo,” he says, “…did I short-circuit?” He feigns concern and tells the Megara they’d better scan Fey’s brain to make sure she’s okay and didn’t suffer any brain damage. They oblige and read her mind, realizing that she’s Cessair of Diplos. Four sits on the floor and giggles.

Romana bursts in. “Stop!” she shouts, “I have new evidence!”
“It’s too late, Romana, I’ve just been executed,” Four tells her mournfully. Hee.
The last Ogri comes in behind Romana and everyone freaks out, but it just wants to go home. The Megara confine it to a cell so it can be taken back to Ogros. The Megara sentence Fey to permanent imprisonment, for stealing, murder, and impersonating a Celtic Goddess. They all beam down to the stone circle, and Four snatches the necklace from around Fey’s neck – the Seal of Diplos. The Megara zap her and she becomes a stone in the circle. The Megara bring up Four’s execution again, but he shoos them off and makes a break for the TARDIS. “Funny,” Rumford mutters, “Never noticed a police box there before.” Romana kisses her bye on the cheek, and takes the portal-gun off with her. Rumford touches her cheek and watches in bemusement as the TARDIS demats.

Four and Romana head into the black room where they’re keeping the segments in what looks like an old icebox. Four changes the seal into a segment, and goes to fit the pieces together. He’s staring at them in openmouthed confusion when Romana snerks at him. He glares. The end!

next episode: the Androids of Tara