part 4

We get a replay of the last scene, and Kroll sinks again below the horizon. We’ve got a sort of Tremors situation now where the monster reacts to vibrations from footsteps, engines, etc, and comes up through the ground to eat you. Only without Reba McEntire, so clearly they’re all screwed.

Running running running through the reeds. Oh, god, I’m getting itchy just watching this. Ughhhhh. Back in the refinery, Ahab makes some cryptic remarks about the orbit shot and bullies Radar. Kroll starts shoving its tentacles through some brush and trees to get to more Swampies, in a scene that is utterly gross in the same way Japanese tentacle-hentai is gross. Ahab says he’ll kill Kroll by dropping 100 tons of hydrogen-peroxide on it with the orbit shot. Dude, it’s a gigantic alien squid, not a canker sore. Ahab’s crew is turning mutinous. Wait, isn’t that what happened to the actual Ahab? I can’t remember. Radar and Frank are having issues with their CO’s crazed obsession with this squid, and think it’s stupid to kill off all the Swampies as well, as the H2O2 bomb will do. I still don’t get this. Will it maybe fizz them to death? Well, actually I guess you’re not supposed to ingest the stuff. Certainly not several tons of it. Free radicals and all that. Speaking of free radicals, Romana and the Doctor have made it to the refinery and are checking out the wreckage Kroll left behind. Radar is shrieking at Ahab by this point and all but leaping into Frank’s arms in panic.

The Doctor peeks into the control room just in time to check out Radar growing a spine and disobeying a direct order, screaming in Ahab’s face that he’s crazy and Radar refuses to wipe out an entire race of people who just happened to get in their way. He has just become Four’s new best friend. Ahab pulls a gun. Radar decides to go for broke and charges him, grabbing the gun, but Ahab sort of taps him on the shoulder and he keels over, unconscious. Engineer down! Engineer down! We are a delicate people. Ahab wants to know if Frank wants a light but deadly tap as well, and Frank slowly sits down and starts carrying out orders. Oh, you puss. Four and Romana, instead of actually intervening or doing anything useful (there’s a whole fifteen minutes left to go) decide to sneak away and try to sabotage the rocket from its launch pad.

The Swampies are in full retreat.
“Kroll has turned upon us!” wails the chief. Yeah, no shit, dude. It’s a gigantic alien squid. Did you think it was your friend? When the other Swampies say Kroll has become their enemy and is like, the shittiest totem spirit ever, the chief protests, “It was a test! Kroll was testing our faith!” Oh, jeez. Here we go.

Hey, look! A big bolted metal door that says DANGER in big letters! Guess who’s opening it. The Doctor creeps inside. When Romana protests that he’ll be killed if the rocket goes off, he looks at her solemnly and says, “Then we’d better say goodbye now. Goodbye, Romana.”
“Goodbye, Doctor.” Aw. We know he’s totally not dying, but that was kind of sad. She starts to shut the door behind him, and realizes he’s just left her outside. “Doctor!” This is one companion you’re not ditching, dude. And now she’s pissed. Romana runs in after him.

Back in the control room, Radar comes to.

Four is climbing a ladder near the side of the rocket, trying to get to a control panel. Because, you know, rockets have to have that big OFF button on the side. Romana comes in and tells him it’s too late and they need to get the hell out of Dodge. “Get out!” he yells at her, “Just … get out!” It’s supposed to be intense, but he sounds more like a sulky adolescent hiding in his room and yelling at his mom. Or the end of the Last Supper song in Jesus Christ Superstar. Damn, now that’s stuck in my head.

Ooh, a proper countdown! Love a good countdown! We’re at thirty seconds, and it’s one of those old-timey ones where the little cards click down to show new numbers. Radar struggles to his feet, although I can’t imagine why his head hurts unless he hit it on the floor. Radar reaches across the top of the desk and Ahab pulls the gun on him. Radar yells at him defiantly and hits the abort button. It lights up. Ahab shoots him, and Radar looks kind of pathetically confused for a few seconds before keeling over dead into Frank’s arms. Awwwww. Frank, if you actually loved the little nerd, you would’ve backed him up earlier. Also, the gun he shot him with seems to be an actual rifle, not a laser, since it went bang and everything. I only note it because it’s kind of unusual. Lasers are somehow … nicer. Ahab is delighted because Radar hit the abort button, but the circuit shorted out and the countdown continues. Frank is pissed, and says Ahab shot him for no good reason, then. Well, it motivated you, didn’t it, you cowardly slug?

Four has no idea how the controls on the rocket work so he calmly whips out a hammer. “When in doubt,” he tells Romana, “ – cut everything!” He smashes the control panel to hell and falls off the ladder in the process. No head for heights, Four. Going to get him killed someday.

Ahab is all disappointed to see the countdown stop at three, and Frank sees Kroll submerging back into the mud – they won’t be able to hit it even if they get everything fixed again. Frank tells Ahab he’s going to report him to headquarters for murder. Report him? You’re going to tell? I hate Frank. I mean, Ahab sucks, yeah, but at least he’s committed to being a bastard. Ahab stalks out to go check on the rocket, and Frank just sort of stews.

Four is lying unconscious on the floor of the missile silo or whatever. Romana is sort of petting his hair, and he comes to rather suddenly, like he does. He seems embarrassed. “Er … oxygen starvation,” he explains, “Just, er, blacked out there for a few seconds.”
“Minutes,” Romana corrects, but she’s clearly glad he’s okay and is sort of humoring him. Not your fault you’re scared of ladders, Four. He jumps up and tells Romana they need to get away before someone from the refinery catches them and “puts two and two together.” And gets Four. They rush into the hallway and run into Ahab. “You’re putting two and two together,” says Four sulkily, “I can tell by the look on your face.” Yes, and unfortunately for you, Doctor, when Ahab adds two and two he gets ***ERROR ERROR KILL EVERYBODY***. Four introduces Romana and is trying to pull the “I am foolish and harmless” thing but he’s still recovering from banging his head and seems really flustered and nervous. The gun in his face is probably not helping, although that’s sort of an occupational hazard when you’re the Doctor. Ahab tells him he’s had enough of his games. He tells them to put their hands where he can see them and get marching. Four hesitates.
“You’re supposed to say … ‘don’t make any sudden movements.’”
“Then don’t make any sudden movements!” Four nods, pleased, and they get marched off.

The Swampies have made it into the refinery. The chief says it’s awful and he’ll ask Kroll to destroy it. His lieutenant doesn’t believe Kroll will obey, and the chief says Kroll will protect them.
“Kroll destroyed our village, too,” says the lieutenant, “Was that for our protection?” Before we get into a civil war, the chief tells them that Kroll’s just pissed because the Swampies are all idiots who keep letting the sacrifices escape. You’re the one who wanted to leave them alone in the room to die by a slow, elaborate process, dude. Anyway, this seems to shut up the nay-sayers for now and they head off.

Four and his armed escort head into the control room, and he’s all upset that Radar got shot in his absence. Ahab’s threatening to do them next, but Frank says Kroll’s getting ready to attack again.
“Oh, look!” says Four, like a little dog has just done a cute trick, “It’s coming this way!” Who’s a good death-squid? Izzit oo? Izzit oo? Who’s just the cyoootest widdle death-squid?
Ahab says it just ate the whole damn Swampie settlement, what does it want them for?
“Maybe it’s having you for pudding!” says Four with glee. He starts laughing maniacally. Oh, jeez, it’s the ‘we’re all going to diiiiieeeee’ laugh. Ahab suddenly takes a harpoon to the stomach. More armed Swampies rush in and the Doctor hurries to surrender.

Out on the water, Kroll approaches the refinery model. Inside, the Doctor wants to know if there’s an eighth holy ritual this time. The chief tells him his soul has been promised the Kroll, and I should mention that whenever he says ‘Kroll,’ he does a little salutatory hand gesture. Four mimicks this in the background every time he does it. Hee. The Time Lords try to explain to the Swampies that their god is just a brainless cephalopod with a pituitary problem, but just then said god starts attacking the refinery and we get a good sci-fi-show-shakeup. Baker is amazingly hammy about the whole thing and hurls himself onto the chief with his arms flailing. The chief is not a big guy, and if I were him I would not be too happy about a huge lanky Liverpudlian flinging himself all over me. The guy’s six and a half feet tall.

The little Kroll model is beating the everloving shit out of the refinery model. This would actually be pretty cool model work if they’d gotten the waves to scale, but as it is, you miss those little details and the whole thing looks to be taking place in someone’s bathtub, which it probably is. The chief falls to his knees and wails. Four drops to his knees beside him and watches with intense interest. The chief says it’s all the Doctor’s fault (in his defense, it generally is) because he wouldn’t sit still and be sacrificed like a normal person and now they’re all going to die.
“Eh?” says the Doctor, “Is that your considered opinion?” He turns to say something to Romana, but she’s wandered off. He jumps up and chases after her, telling her to stay away from the window. She keeps insisting that Kroll can’t tell where they are, and of course a tentacle punches through the window by her head. Four drags her back into the control room and slams the door shut. Romana looks just a tad embarrassed.
“’Can’t tell we’re here,’ eh?” snits the Doctor.

Four grabs Frank and hustles him over to the control panel. He tells him Kroll hunts by detecting vibration, so can Frank create a diversion? Frank switches on some centrifuges and drives the monster away, but the chief is convinced that Kroll was merciful because he’s been praying this whole time. He runs off down the corridor. Oh, he’s totally dead.
“The Great One has heard my prayers!” he yells.
“The ‘Great One’ has heard the machinery!” the lieutenant yells after him. None of the Swampies follow the chief, although they do make a halfhearted attempt at stopping him. Four smacks himself in the head a few times. Frank says he’s going to turn on all the emergency klaxons, machinery, everything that makes noise, to freak out Kroll and make it go away. Four puts on his Serious Face and gets up slowly and goes to the door. He stops and gives Romana his scarf for safekeeping, and gets out the locator. She asks where he’s going.
“To test a theory,” he says solemnly, “Stay here in case I’m wrong.”

The chief has gone completely froot loops and is addressing a tentacle that’s come through the wall as “Master.” Wrong villain, dude. The Master is usually hotter than that. Except when he’s being a banana slug. The tentacle of course grabs him and drags him through the wall, even though a few kind-hearted Swampies try to hold on to his hands and drag him back in. He may be completely nuts, but apparently they still like the guy.

The Doctor heads out onto the deck of the refinery, where Kroll’s belly is pressed up against some supports. He holds out the locator and sighs.
“Well, I’ve had a happy life. Can’t complain.  Nearly 760,” if you keep track, there you go, “Not a bad age …” A tentacle hits him in the face and he drops the locator. Another hits him from behind and yet another one grabs him. Ruh roh. Four keels over and the tentacle starts crushing his chest as he reaches for the locator. By the time he grabs it, he can’t breathe, and starts struggling to poke Kroll in the stomach with it. After a few rather tense moments, he manages to hit it, and there’s a flash. Kroll vanishes and turns into the fifth segment of the Key, which is now shish-kebabed on the end of the locator. Four stares at it and starts giggling like a loon.

Awwww! Romana is totally wearing the scarf. She looks mopey, but jumps up when Four comes back in, brandishing the fifth segment, still on the end of the locator. She gives the scarf back. The Swampies are horrified.
“You killed Kroll?”
“With that … stick?”
“Well,” says the Doctor, “It’s rather a … special stick.” They’re about to cue celebrations when Frank interrupts. It is not the interruption of a happy man. Apparently when the Doctor sabotaged the rocket, he made it impossible for the rockets to take off. The problem? The computer has kept running all this time and, even though the last orbit shot was cancelled, it’s trying to fire another rocket. This will blow up the whole refinery. They can’t abort it because Kroll smashed up so much stuff that nothing’s working anymore. Oh, and also computers are evil.
“Disconnected in the gantry…” mumbles the Doctor around the locator, which he’s chewing on since he apparently can’t get to his fingernails. Romana wants him to go do that and stop the launch. Dude, Romana, he already saved everybody like, three times this episode! Give the guy a break!
“What?” he sneers, “In fifty seconds?”
“Forty seconds,” Frank corrects him. Ooo, a challenge! In that case …
“Hold this,” he tells Romana, handing her his segment-o-timesicle. He yanks open a panel and starts cutting wires at random. Nothing happens and the countdown continues. He cuts more and more wires, but no response. Come on, Doctor, breaking shit is your forte! Nine … eight … seven … the Doctor is looking a little frantic. He grabs two huge cables stuffed with wires and tells everybody to stand back. Oh, dear. Two … one … Four gets a look on his face like, ‘oh, hell, I do not want to do this,’ and slams the ends of the cables together. They short out spectacularly and the countdown stops at zero.

The Doctor kinds of stares into space for a little while, then absently puts the cables down. He very slowly reaches up and grabs his head. Romana creeps up behind him.
“Doctor?”
“hnnnn?” he’s chomping the hell out of his pinky-nail.
“Are you … all right?
“I … believe so.”
“You could’ve been killed!”
“…yep.”
Everyone’s staring at him with their mouths hanging open. Hee. Actually, from the explosion I saw it was probably pretty frigging dangerous to do in person, that close to his face. There were afterimages on the camera. I kinda hope this is an act and they didn’t just short out Baker’s poor little brain. Aww, he needs a hug.

Back out in the swamp, the Doctor and Romana are arguing about which way it is back to the TARDIS.
“I really do think it’s this – “
“No, I’m sure it’s this way, Romana, remember I have an unerring sense of direction.” He steps with great dignity into a pile of wet mud. Romana calmly hauls him back out.
“Er … you know? I think it’s this way.”
“Yes, Doctor.” They head off again. Hee. Four is explaining that the fifth segment was actually the Seal of Power that Kroll ate, back when he was a little normal squid. Having this weird alien thing in him made him grow huge and all mutated.
“Hello,” he says suddenly, seeing something.
“Hello!” Romana is so cute.
“No, no, look here …” There’s a little teeny squid lying in the mud. Four grins and says a whole lot of little baby Krolls must have come from the big one, but they’re just ordinary squids now. He heads off through the rushes, Romana grabbing the back of his coat and following along. They open the door to the TARDIS and Four starts yelling, “Get back, K9! Back! Down!” Hee! Vworp vworp vworp. The end.

Next Episode: The Armageddon Factor