episode 4 – androids of tara

part 1
Key to Time makes its triumphant return! Written by David Fisher! Played on my computer on my crappy DVD player, so bear with me! We zoom in on the TARDIS console doing its rather naughty thing, then pan down to where Four and K9 are playing chess on the floor. Four has one end of his scarf draped over K9’s neck. Dawww. He moves his rook and smacks the clock triumphantly, saying he saw that move in a championship game once. K9 replies that the guy who used it lost, and Four seems a little dismayed. K9 tells him where to move his pieces, and Romana comes in and wants to know what’s going on.
“Shhhhhhshhhhshhh!” Four hisses, “We’re playing chess!” Romana snits at him about finding the segments of the Key, but the Doctor tells her he’s sick of that and he’s taking a break. Frankly, I’m amazed he’s managed to keep his focus on it for this long. She decides to direct the TARDIS to the next segment after Four basically tells her to bugger off, and she and K9 point out that he’s going to lose in eleven moves.
“That’s the trouble with chess, innit,” he grumbles, “It’s all so predictable.”
“Four,” Romana says, and for a second I’m shocked that someone’s actually called him that, but then she keeps counting down, “Three, two, one!” She yanks a lever on the TARDIS’s control board and is frankly a little too excited about it. Apparently she’s discovered the secret to driving the TARDIS; just hit and pull whatever the fuck you want. Four is a much more hands-off driver, and Ten practically humps the console half the time but it really doesn’t seem to affect the ride at all.
“Smooth enough for you, Doctor?” and a thousand slashfics are born. Four kind of grunts. “I said, was that smooth enough- “
“Mate in eleven? What are you – oh, have we arrived?”

He sends Romana off to change into something local-flavoured, and starts digging around in a closet until he finds a fishing rod.
“Aha! That takes me back. Or is it forward? Never can remember…” Four tries a few casts in the TARDIS, which seems like a really bad idea, and Romana comes out wearing a purple-and-green satin suit with a velvet hat. She looks like a fucking lunatic. Four ignores her, or is possibly now just blind from looking directly at those pants, and she tells him the TARDIS records say this is the current fashion on the planet Tara and she wants to blend in. Wait, the TARDIS records? So in other words everyone on Tara is also going to think she looks like a fucking lunatic. If I didn’t know better I’d think Four was playing some kind of practical joke on her, but he’s probably too lazy to manage something like this. They head outside and Four informs her he’s going to fuck right off and do some fishing, but she should have fun looking for that segment-y thing. She protests, but he says he’s been working 400 years straight and deserves a 50-year holiday, because those are the rules that he’s just made up.
“You’ve just made that up!” Ah, she’s catching on. “You can’t spend the next 50 years fishing!”
“Well of course not! I’d get bored.” He tells her to scurry off and find that segment because her outfit is scaring the fish. Hee. In his defense, she does look kind of like the head drum major of Willy Wonka’s Technicolor Marching Band.

Romana wanders through the woods, following the locator signal. Small animals squeak and squeal in pain as her outfit burns their retinas right out of their tiny skulls. Actually, the colors aren’t nearly so bad under sunlight as they were in the TARDIS but that’s still not saying much. She finds a sort of tunnel entrance in the side of a hill, and in front of it a weathered statue. She waves the locator around the statue’s …. er …. groinal area and licks her lips. I think the sun’s gotten to her a bit. Anyway, she finds a dragon on the statue and pokes it on the forehead with the locator. Fun wheedly-wheedly sound effects, and it turns into the fourth Segment. Romana smirks and picks it up. Eight minutes, new record! See how much easier things are without the Doctor around losing his mind and spazzing out every five seconds? But now of course she’s got to get attacked by a monster, because if this was called Romana Who it would be a very boring and short-lived show indeed. A guy in a hairy suit and an actually rather disturbing mask pops out and menaces her, but a knight in a crazy helmet busts out of the shrubbery wielding a rapier. He rapiers the hell out of the fuzzy rabid Ewok, which runs away. He comes up to Romana and pushes his visor up.
“It’s …. incredible!” he says, looking at her. Yeah I know, but she may be color-blind, dude, so cut her some slack. Romana introduces herself and the knight says, “Are you …. damaged in any way?” You are the worst flirter ever, dude! I know the outfit is crazy, get over it. The knight says he keeps a few wild animals around in his woods for hunting purposes, and thereby earns the title of Knight Nugent. Nugent introduces himself as Lord Grendel, Knight of Graft, Master of the Sword, but it’s too late because I already named him Nugent. He takes the Segment away from Romana and tells her that she’ll have to register it with the castle as an unusual mineral. Romana tries to protest, but he insists on bringing her to the castle to get her hurt ankle patched up and check out the Segment. He swoops her up in his arms and says, “I shall not take no for an answer.” And he whisks her off. Elsewhere, Four keeps fishing and wonders why burly knights never come along to whisk him away. Then I realize that this is the same guy Jack has a crush on, only way younger, and I get kind of weirded out for awhile. Sir Nuge has found his horse, which of course is a huge white charger. Damn, Romana, just sit back and play along. This could go well for you. Romana hasn’t ever seen a horse before and wants to know what makes it go. The Nuge is starting to think he may have made a mistake here.

Four, who is looking sadder and scruffier by the second next to all these knights in shining armor, has fallen asleep with his hat on his face. Another rapier slowly comes into the scene and sends out a little shockwave that sets his hat on fire. Four calmly takes it off and looks up to see a soldier.
“D’you mind not standing on my chest? My hat’s on fire.” Another solider wants to know what he’s doing there, and says this is Prince Reinhart’s private hunting estate. Four freaks the hell out and jumps up.
“Prince Rei- Did you say Prince Reinhart!?”
“Yes.”
“Never heard of him.” Oh Four, I’ve missed you. The soldier threatens him again with the rapier and Four goes to snatch it away, grabbing the blade and shocking himself. He grabs it by the hilt and gets it away this time, all impressed by the little generator in the hilt. They want to know how he knows about electronics and he just says, “I’ve traveled.” They ask if he can repair an android.
Elsewhere, insane harpschicord music plays as Sir Nuge and Romana ride towards the castle. He brags about how cool it is and tells her it’s “entirely escape-proof.” Romana just smirks at him. He rides into the castle and takes her up to a room. He also insists on carrying her around despite her protests that she can walk just fine. The infirmary he takes her to is a typically awesome Whovian mix of medieval furniture and 1970s computer equipment and scifi stuff. He plops her down on a flat bed/table with a humanoid dent cut into it. It’s all rather ominous. A tall woman with insane hair comes in and is introduced as Madame Lamia, surgeon-engineer. Try saying that five times fast. Lamia and Nugent poke and prod at Romana, marveling at the workmanship, and it’s clear they think she’s an android. They strap her to the table and Nugent says they can cannibalize her for parts. Lamia busts out a saw and heads for the table.

Four gets marched into another building somewhere and is left to wait. He paces around until the solider stomps on the end of his scarf. Four protests and the soldier obligingly chops the scarf off several feet above the floor with his vorpal sword. Wool bursts into flame and about six feet of scarf fall to the floor, and Four stares at the guy like he just shot a puppy. Awwwwww! He drops to his knees and gathers up the injured garment in his arms, then jumps up as though to go after the solider, when he’s interrupted. Prince Reinhart has come in and apologizes for the soldier’s enthusiasm, but refuses to really do anything about it because he thinks the Doctor’s a peasant. The Doctor goes to sit at the table but the soldier threatens him some more and Four gives him a look like “Oh, for Pete’s sake knock it off.” He stuffs the burnt end of his scarf in his pocket and gestures for Reinhart to sit down first. The Prince offers him a thousand gold pieces to fix the android they’re having trouble with.
“You think you can buy me with money?” snots the Doctor, “Give me five hundred.” They agree and he looks smug. The Prince tells him if he can’t fix the android, then no harm done and he can go free.
“Right!” Four bolts for the door, but there’s a guard behind it. Oops. They take him into another room to look at the android, whose face is opened up to reveal wires and eyeballs and things. Romana meanwhile is getting a black line drawn on her throat for Lamia to cut along. Romana protests that it’s her ankle that hurts, and Lamia has a look. She’s shocked to see that Romana’s sprained ankle is swollen, meaning she’s not an android after all. In other news, Four seems to have gotten to second base with the android so well done him. I guess. The Prince says he wants the android to be a body double for his coronation tomorrow, because Count Grendel is going to try to assassinate him. Four dubs the stand-in George and asks if Grendel wants the throne, and they tell him yes, because other than the Prince, only some girl named Strella is of the royal blood, and she disappeared years ago. So I’m sure there’s absolutely no chance at all that she’ll show up at the end of this. Back in the Count’s castle, Romana is getting injected with kind of hypo and is flipping out, because that never ends well. Back with the Prince, Four has successfully repaired the android, because now there’s two Princes, one wearing gold and one wearing red. Oh, hell, not this again. The original prince was wearing red but that’s no guarantee of anything. They give Four his money and a weird-looking blonde pageboy delivers some wine. Seriously, his hair looks like an action figure’s. Oh wait, that’s the sword guy from before. Four proceeds to hit on him a little. Haaa. They all drink a toast to the Doctor (who is not above drinking to himself) and then the Prince makes an “I’ve been poisoned” face and keels over on the table. The soldier falls on top of him and finally the general hits the floor too. The Doctor starts staggering around, and manages to drag himself to the door and open it before collapsing at the feet of … the Count! Dun dun DUN!

part 2

Four wakes up to find the soldier (his name is Farrah)’s sword in his face. The metal one. For any shakers reading, Farrah is totally Conrade, even down to the hair. He’s kind of adorable. Farrah wants to know what Four’s done with the prince and calls him a traitor. He drags Four to his feet and the general whose name I haven’t gotten yet (Farrah refers to him as ‘Swordmaster’ but I refuse to call him that) says that the prince is gone, then tells Farrah to stop being an idiot because who kidnaps a prince and then hangs around afterwards to get threatened at swordpoint, and drugs himself into the bargain? Four ignores them both and goes to check on the prince-looking android, which is still hanging around. He tells the two of them that they should pretend the android is the prince, go and get it crowned king, and that’ll buy them enough time to find the real prince. Conr- uh, Farrah says that the Doctor needs to stay with the android at all times to make sure it doesn’t break down or do anything stupid, and Four says he doesn’t have time for this shit and he’s leaving the planet. Farrah jams the electrofoil in his face again and the Doctor has just had a great idea – how about if he stays with the android at all times to make sure it doesn’t break down or do anything stupid? Four blows his dog whistle and K9 shows up at the door. The general wants to know what it is, and Four says, “That’s my dog!”
“But … it’s a machine!”
“Oh, don’t give me that, so’s your Prince!” Four gives the android a kick to emphasize his point and Farrah draws his sword, ready to defend even a fake prince’s honor. Four tries to stop him but K9, seeing a threat to his master, has already attacked Farrah with some kind of laser beam. Rather than reprimand him or anything, Four wants to know why Romana isn’t with him, and they realize that Count Grendel’s probably captured her.

Speaking of whom, Count Grendel gets a truly horrifying closeup. Romana has just woken up after being knocked out for twelve hours and has some perfectly reasonable questions, chiefly ‘what the fuck, dude?’ She points out that she has no money and no value to him, so what’s with all the roofies and why is she still locked up here? Grendel takes her down to the dungeons, where Princess Strella is locked up. Strella looks exactly like Romana, only dressed slightly less insane, and she’s doing needlework, which I’m pretty sure isn’t part of the typical Gallifreyan curriculum. Grendel calls her “Tara’s most eligible spinster,” and tells Romana that she’s about to be, “In swift succession, my fiancee, my bride, and deceased.” Isn’t it a bit early in the episode to be revealing your entire plan in a melodramatic monologue, Grendel? He goes on to say that Romana is his backup if Strella refuses to go through with it, and also overshares that he once banged Lamia. Um, awesome? Grendel wants to overshare to all of his prisoners so the Exposition Tour’s next stop is the cell with the Prince in it. Grendel babbles something about liking to “hold all the cards,” but it looks more to me like he likes to hold them so they face everyone else at the table. He tells Romana that the Prince is ill and they don’t want him dying so they’re locking her in there with him to play nursemaid. I’m not even going to bother pointing out all the ways in which this plan makes no sense, because I could go on all day. Let’s just cut back to the Doctor, shall we?

Four sends K9 off to Grendel’s castle to see if Romana’s there, then takes everybody else to head for ‘Tara,’ which I thought was the name of the planet. Maybe they’re going to Georgia? So confused. Oh, Tara is the main castle. How many freaking castles do they have on this planet, anyway? It’s like that Eddie Izzard joke. More plinky planky harpshichord music as they all go stomping off through the woods. Oh man, the general has one of those German-style spikes on top of his helmet, but apparently all they had was prop spears because the thing is about a foot tall. Since he’s oh-so-inconspicuous in this getup, the general goes to scout ahead. I’d think even Grendel’s idiotic henchmen would be a tad suspicious of a gigantic gold spike trying to move stealthily towards their castle.
“Not as young as he used to be,” Four mumbles, channeling Yogi Berra.
Farrah makes a few attempts to chat with the android, but it makes no response. Feeling awkward, he kind of snuggles up next to the Doctor (WHY IS FARRAH SO ADORABLE) and complains that he just hasn’t got a way with androids. Four says actually he shut the thing off for now to conserve power, and Farrah feels like an idiot. I feel kind of like Farrah’s life has just been one long, neverending Blonde Moment. Poor guy, but with a name like that he probably can’t help it. He tells Four that he’s always been kind of uncomfortable around androids, and he replies, “Funny thing is, some androids feel the same way around humans.” Poor Farrah looks intensely disturbed but luckily the general comes back at this point, saying he found a way in. The way in question seems to be a funky little hole in the side of a hill, with one lone guard pacing in front of it. To his credit, the guard is not asleep, but he does have a craptacular helmet that can’t allow him to see more than a few inches. Oh dear, Farrah’s got a gigantic spike on his helmet too. He offers to take out the guard. Well, if you just look at your shoes and run forward, kid, I’m sure that’ll do the trick. Please don’t get stabbed yet, Farrah, I’m finding you surprisingly enjoyable. He pulls the old ‘I’ll throw a rock over there and when he turns I stab him in the back’ trick, and I wonder just how many cliches we’re going to burn through. It’s only part 2, writers, pace yourselves! Farrah tells Four not to worry, he set the electrafoil to Stun, so they guy’ll wake up in a few hours. Four examines the guard’s crossbow, pronounces it “quaint,” then gives it back to the guy so he can more effectively pursue them once he wakes up. They all head through the little passageway.

Down in her lab, Lamia is checking out the Segment. She carefully scrapes some plaque off of it with a dental hygenist’s tool, then decides to give it a root canal with a small drill. Some horrible screeching noises ensue, and she finds that the material’s too hard for her to do anything to. Exciting scene! K9 is outside the castle and has located Romana inside. Down in the cells, the Prince and Romana are chatting when two guards bust in, unlock her, and drag her away. Down the Tunnel of Exposition, the general’s explaining to Four that this planet just had some kind of Black Death situation, which is why there’s so few actual people around, and why they’ve replaced a lot of the missing labor pool with androids. Upstairs in the palace, all the nobles and such are gathered in a main room, waiting to see who’s going to get to the throne in time to get crowned. This is an intensely weird way of running a country. Tara also apparently has a sixteen-hour day, according to the clocks, so that’s kind of a cool touch. Grendel is already trying out the royal throne to see how comfy it is. He giggles an evil giggle. Also, Farrah was totally lying about the stun thing, because that guard is totally dead.  Some other guards come along to pursue the little invasion party through the tunnel. Upstairs, plotting is happening, and I can see that the entire budget for this episode went to the purchase and construction of the most elaborate yet insane costumes I’ve seen on this show in a long time. Just looking at this scene is giving me a headache and nausea. Downstairs, the Doctor and company are getting closer to the stairs up to the coronation chamber when the android, being a piece of crap, walks directly into a rock and bangs its head. They don’t have time to check for damage because the guards have caught up and are opening fire. Actually, the pyrotechnics here are pretty cool. They certainly look dangerous anyway. Farrah and the general hold them off while Four takes the android up to the coronation room, but the lever to open the door is jammed. Upstairs, the bell starts tolling sixteen-o-clock. Grendel storms into the coronation room, all ready to get crowned, and stops dead when he sees the Prince sitting on the throne, with the Doctor standing at his right hand and the general and Farrah standing honor guard. It’s all very dramatic. And Rocky Horror-esque. Four, if you were wondering, is standing in Magenta’s spot, which seems appropriate since they have the same hairdo. The master of ceremonies tells everybody to kneel for the crowning of the new king, but Grendel would rather stand there and make a bitchface. While the emcee gets him to kneel and shows off the crown, the android starts kind of slumping over in the throne, but Four and Farrah manage to prop him back up before anyone notices. Don’t worry folks! Just natural inbreeding at work! The crown is put on the android’s head, and now he has to make a speech. Four sneakily reaches around to push some buttons behind his ear, and the android speaks. It gets through the speech with only one or two issues, and I’m kind of disappointed because I wanted it to go totally haywire and start babbling about fried chicken and purple gorillas. Suddenly the crowd parts and either Romana or Strella comes in, dressed up in a purple and gold dress. Four’s all, ‘Hi Romana!’ but they tell him this is the princess. Her oath of fealty has the word ‘suzerainty’ in it, which is impressive. She takes a knee and bows to the new king, and Four calmly walks forward, snags the scepter out of the king’s hand, and wallops the princess one on the back of the head. Okay, definitely didn’t see that one coming.