Owen wanders around the radiation wing while Gwen reads him a section of the old field report (which I guess wasn’t locked in the canister, because it hasn’t opened yet). She says the old Torchies said they saw something through the time rift, a “woman in strange armor, ripping a Union Jack.” Gwen says this seems weird, and maybe they’re wrong about the time shift, and maybe it’ll occur in the future when plate mail and unpatriotic displays of free speech are back in fashion. Owen says that’s crap because right outside the window he can see an advert for car insurance, with a big painting of a lady in plate mail, apparently doing something to the flag that I can’t see. Owen says they’re right on target. Right on cue, the weirdness alarms in Tosh’s wing start going off, and back at base the cookie tin pops open. Jack looks solemn and pulls out a letter, and I put my newly-honed freeze-framing skills to work. The letter is several pages long and written in beautiful freehand. Why don’t they teach penmanship in school anymore? I wanna write all pretty like that. Anyway, the letter is nine pages long apparently because it’s super super wordy: “Dear Torchwood, I do not know where or indeed who will be reading this the most important of documents, but the very fabric of the Universe lies in your hands.” The fabric of the Universe, if you were wondering, looks like parchment. The letter goes on to talk about “ghosts” at St Teilo’s, sarcastic quote-marks and all (I’m assuming Scully wrote this), and the “acquisition” of Tommy by Torchwood, sarcastic quote-marks mine. Jack reads the entire first page in all of two seconds, beating me by a full minute or so, and flips on ahead to the real meat. Incidentally, I don’t think actually reading the letter is totally necessary to the episode, as I’m sure they’re going to explain all this in a bit, but they wrote it all out and pointed the camera at it so by damn I’m going to read it, if only to see if the set dressers stuck in any funny lines. Anyway, the second page says, “There is only one hope for our future. The last man, Private Brockless. You must ensure that Private Brockless is returned to 1918 [illegible] the breach easing the rift manipulation by that [illegible] You must also find his Japanese companion. She [may] hold the key to the nature of Private Brockless’ return.” Sorry there’s not much useful there, but Jack has his damn thumb in the way. Ianto comes in and is ridiculously excited that the tin is open. Jack says the letter has instruction for Tommy. “And Toshiko.” They both look solemn.

In the conference room, Jack briefs everyone. During the time shift, Tommy has to be in the hospital, ready to step through into 1918, where his life can continue as normal as though Torchwood had never kidnapped him. Jack says he’ll be like a thread stitching time back together. “A stitch in time,” mutters Tommy thoughtfully. You’ll remember this was the name of Bilis’s store, so maybe he’ll be back! So excited! Jack holds up a weird astrolabe-looking thingy (with NO BLUE LEDS like omg) and says Tommy can use it to close the rift back up behind him. So, basically it goes like this. If you’re Tommy, you go to war, get hurt, and end up in hospital. Mulder and Scully come kidnap you and you get frozen for 90 years, then you turn around and come right back to a few minutes before they kidnapped you, maybe a few months older than you ought to be because of the whole freezing unfreezing thing. Then you head off to find your lost girlfriend and try not to go totally crazy because of all the insane shit you just went through. Okay? Okay. Jack brings Toshi up to his office for a Special Chat and leaves Ianto to have some alone time with Tommy.

Jack’s Special Chat amounts to this: according to the file, when they bring Tommy back, he’ll still be suffering from shell-shock (or maybe just got some new shell-shock from Torchwood fucking around with his life so badly), which in 1918 was interpreted as “cowardice.” Three weeks after returning to his own time, Tommy will be executed by a British firing squad. That … may be the most depressing thing I’ve heard in weeks. Also? WHY ARE YOU TELLING TOSH THIS?! Tosh says that you can’t shoot somebody for having PTSD, and Jack is like, uh, yeah you totally can. And they did. Over 300 of them. Damn, Britain. Jack says she’ll have to go with Tommy, and shows her a sketch that came with the letter. It looks a lot like Tosh. Also, this episode would be way cooler (and creepier) if the letter had come already open, and they’d recruited Tosh years ago just because they knew she was the girl in the picture. Come on, show! That would’ve been awesome! Can you imagine how messed up she’d be if that had happened and she found out about it? Anyway. downstairs, Ianto has pulled some boxes from storage: they’re Tommy’s uniform coat and jammies, what he was wearing when Mulder and Scully abducted him. Tommy seems weirdly tense at seeing them again, but all he says is he’s surprised they haven’t been eaten by moths. Ianto kind of looks at him like he’s waiting for Tommy to strip and put them on right now. Hee. “So I’ll be saving the world in some pygamas?” asks Tommy. Hey, man, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. The Doctor pulled it off nicely, and that without a hand too! Also I just realized that I’ve been writing pygamas the British way my entire life, and that’s why spellcheck always dings it. wtf. (The American spelling is pajamas with an a). Jack tells Tosh she can do this, and she wants to know if Tommy knows he’s effing doomed. Jack says no. Toshi wants to know what to tell him if he asks, and Jack seems to have just realized that maybe telling her wasn’t exactly the smartest idea ever. Ya think? They all head into the main room, and try to figure out what Tommy should do for his last few hours in modern times. Tosh comes in and basically announces to the room that she’s going to bang him. So. Awkward. They send Tommy off to Tosh’s place and then stare at each other uncomfortably.

Tosh and Tommy come in to her place and chat awkwardly for a bit. Then they make out and luckily we cut away before having to see them have awkward weepy issues-laden sex. Thanks, writers! Instead we get to see Jack doing paperwork, which would be my pick any day. Oh, hi Ianto. OMG. IS THIS THE SCENE? I’ve been waiting all season to see this clip of Ianto and Jack macking it that I saw in some fanvid on youTube. Yessssssss this is totally it. Ianto stands awkwardly by the stairs and asks if Jack would ever go back to his own time. Jack asks if Ianto would miss him, and he sadly says yes. Awwwwwwwwwwww. Jack says he’s moved around so much he doesn’t really belong anywhere anymore, and he wouldn’t trade being in Torchwood for – oh, screw it, who cares, because Ianto’s about to jump him for the single greatest makeout session I have ever seen on tv. Yessssss! Then we ruin it by cutting to Tosh and Tommy. NOOOOOO! They’re lying in bed, and man that’s a whole lotta pasty-white skin on screen there. Maybe you should’ve hit the beach once or twice while you were here, Tommy. Not that I’m one to talk. Ahem. Toshi is being all weird and dramatic, and Tommy just tells her he wants to know if they find his body. She looks even more guilty. She nods. Tommy puts on a brave face for her, but when he looks away you can see he’s upset. Dammit, show. We could’ve had Ianto and Jack doing it but noooooooooo, we had to have more of Tosh’s damn ISSUES.

The issues continue as Tosh wakes Tommy up the next morning. It’s time to go. Torchwood stomps heroically into the hospital with all kinds of boxes and equipment. Owen’s looking a little less impressive and stompy than usual because they’ve given him a toolbox that probably weighs the same as he does. Gwen’s carrying hers with no trouble, but Owen’s kind of a tiny little bugger isn’t he? Out in front, looking brave and heroical despite the jam-jams, is Tommy. Jack apologetically tells him they’ll have to bail when it happens, and he says he understands. They start seeing ghosts, and Tommy’s losing it a little bit. His memories are getting all screwed up, and he can hear Mulder talking to him back in 1918. Freaking suddenly, he runs out of the room, Tosh on his heels. She and Jack corner him in a small room and Tommy loses it completely, ranting about how he’s always being shuttled off to do someone else’s dirty work, risking his life for other people without having any say in it. He throws the rift key to the ground and collapses against the wall. Jack tries to get him on his feet but Tommy’s fucking had it. Jack leaves him alone with Tosh, telling her she has two minutes to get him back on task. Tosh tries to tell him he’s going to be a hero, but Tommy doesn’t want any of that if it means going back to the trenches. Suddenly, the ripping noise shows up again. Light pours into the room, and Mulder and Scully are suddenly there. Tosh gives Tommy the speech from the opening, and tries to make him take the rift key back. Suddenly resolute, Tommy grabs it and stands up, telling Mulder and Scully to go and take him from the ward upstairs. Then the light comes back, blinding everybody. And we’re … back in the present? Wait, I thought I had a handle on how this was working but now I’m confused. Tommy and Tosh say their goodbyes and she kisses him. Tommy doesn’t even close his eyes or care, so way to fail on that kiss, Toshi. Call Jack in here, he’ll show you how a proper “goodbye forever” kiss goes. Oh I see, there was a few minutes’ respite so that when Tommy goes back up to his bed he won’t run into himself leaving with Mulder and Scully. Tosh sees him off and cries. I fail to care. Tommy steps through the rift and is back in 1918, hating his life. The Torchies are trying to come down the hall but Toshi chases them off, screaming “Go! Go!”

Back in 1918, Tommy has screwed up his timing (maybe if Tosh didn’t suck so bad he would’ve hung out a little longer in the present) and very nearly runs into himself leaving. Luckily, Mulder has the sense to distract the Tommy from the past so he won’t see himself coming in the other door. The nurse puts him back in bed and Tommy is really not happy with the way this is turning out. I don’t blame him. Down in Deep-13, a silent alarm detectable only by my closed-captioning is apparently “blaring.” The Torchies rush around all pissed off that the time shift isn’t fixed yet. In fact, it’s getting worse because Tommy hasn’t pushed the button. Ianto rolls his eyes, and Jack volunteers to go back and give him a proper goodbye kiss this time to snap him out of it. Owen says not to bother because he has an idea. Uh oh. As with all Owen’s ideas, this one involves injecting people with stuff. Somehow he’s going to inject Jack with stuff that will … let him communicate with Tommy telepathically? Or something? I don’t know. Anyway, they’re gearing up to jab Jack when Tosh volunteers to do it. They all stare at her like, “but … you suck. Also, you screwed this up once, if you were any good he’d’ve pushed the damn button by now.” But they relent and strap a bunch of weird shit to her head, inject her with something, and tell her not to fuck it up. Again. Tosh blacks out. Back in 1918, the hospital is shaking and people are screaming. Tommy hears someone calling his name and DAMMIT, I’ve managed to keep from making a “Tommy can you hear me” reference so far but I’ve just had it. It turns out Tommy hasn’t pushed the button because he’s reverted to his 1918 memories. He doesn’t know who Toshiko is. She gently tells him that he’s holding a key, and he needs to use it. Tommy says he’s scared, and that he’s a coward. Toshi interrupts to tell him he’s no coward. “You’re my brave, handsome hero,” she says, and she needs him to save everybody. He holds the key up and turns a little dial on the side. That golden swirly Rift stuff comes out and the time shift closes. Toshiko thanks him and he smiles. Toshi come to in the present, crying.

Later, Toshi’s putting Tommy’s things away in a box, when Owen comes in. Oh noooooo, we’re not pushing this, are we? First Gwen and Jack, now these two? Owen stands in the doorway awkwardly, starts to talk, can’t bring himself to do it, and leaves before she notices him. Good instincts, Owen. She heads outside and Owen does come up to her. Dammit! He tells her she saved the world, and she says she didn’t do anything, it was all Tommy. “Let’s hope we’re worth it,” she says bitterly, and walks away. Owen stares at the river and sulks. Well, that was uplifting. I advise rewinding to the kiss scene and watching that a few times to improve your mood.

Next time: Torchwood’s investigating alien meat trading, and Rhys is one of the suspects. Also, giant eyeballs!