I’m praying that this is the episode where Rhys and Gwen finally break up, even though that will never ever happen. Sigh. I’m all for character torture, writers, but you don’t need to extend the pain to the audience. Sharing is not always caring. Anyway. Gwen and Rhys finally seem to remember that there are other people in the room and stop their shouting match. Tosh gratefully tries to pretend that little scene didn’t just happen and says they’re going to go in, using non-deadly force to subdue Team Scruff, and “put the creature out of its misery.” Jack says fuck that, because they’re Team Torchwood and they’re going to save that big cuddly ball of extraterrestrial fat and gristle and take care of it until they can send it home. Ianto groans about having to take care of yet another of Jack’s strays, and Tosh (who wanted to eat the damn thing a little while ago) asks how the hell having Blobulous around is going to help Torchwood. “We could always hide behind it,” Owen mutters. Haaaaa. Jack is mindful of Torchwood’s public image in front of the outsider and says their job is to help protect aliens as well as themselves, and Rhys agrees that the thing is suffering. “Listen to Ahab,” Ianto mutters, having lost the cute contest and now trying to edge out Owen in the snarkiness round. It’s gonna be a close race; Owen is the veteran but Ianto seems to have been going to night school for Sarcasm 101 lately. Jack shuts down Owen’s protests by saying it’s an order – because Owen responds so well to authority figures – and Ianto says he’ll start stocking up on plankton. Ohhh, and the teaboy takes the lead! Everyone gets up to leave, but not before Gwen can get in a parting shot at Jack for actually having a heart for once. Gwen, you’re not playing! Knock it off! Only the pretty-boys (well, pretty-boy and interestingly-weird-looking boy) are allowed in this game!

Down in one of the labs, Owen has pulled up a computer-generated image of a giant manatee-looking thing. He watches it spin around and around and around, and Tosh comes in. Owen says the manatee is a projection he made of what the alien looks like. Tosh says it’s cute, and that Owen’s just a big softie at heart, and she reaches out one hand to touch his shoulder and nooooo but she loses her nerve and doesn’t. Again, good instincts of self-preservation, Tosh. Augh, what is with the horrible relationship issues this season??? Not that there aren’t usually issues. I mean, I enjoy most of the issues, but no more Gwen-Rhys, Owen-Tosh, and FOR GOD’S SAKE no more Gwen-Jack. I cannot take it. Tosh has made him some sandwiches. Wait, what’s that noise? Admiral … Admiral Ackbar? What’re you doing on the skylight? I can’t hear you, Admiral, it’s a what? A crap? A flap? Oh, never mind, I can’t hear him, and neither can Owen because he goes to accept them, but then hands them back and tries to get Tosh to do his homework for him. Good boy. Also? Cheese and pickle sounds like the best sandwich ever. Owen refers to Rhys, who is still hanging around, as “another big lump out of his habitat.” Tosh just pouts and spews emotional trauma all over the lab, then asks Owen to have a game of pool sometime. He says sure, and he’ll see when everyone else is free. Haaaaa. Also, I refuse to believe that Owen’s dense enough not to have noticed that was a date proposal. I think this is about as polite a refusal as Tosh is going to get out of him, and I really wish she’d give it up. It’s pathetic to watch. Owen and his gay shirt take the sandwiches and run. Tosh’s head explodes. Out in the main room, Rhys and Gwen are chilling on the couch, but the conversation is just the same one they’ve been having and is boring so I’m skipping to the part where Rhys worries about leaving Gwen alone with “all these sexy young men,” though he probably doesn’t think any of them are as sexy as his Secret Boyfriend Dav. I should write more about Secret Boyfriend Dav, they mention him a lot. Anyway, Gwen says he’s the only sexy young man for her, and kisses him while staring at Jack. Ew. Jack looks as grossed out as I am, and he and his excellent-looking pulp “Avengers in Outer Space” take off for another room, possibly to throw up.

The BBSUV drops off Rhys and Jack at the Harwood’s office. Rhys runs in to grab his coat and a coffee, and Jack follows to lay some serious innuendo on the unsuspecting secretary, saying he should get a  job with her and asking if maybe she could “fit him in.” Oh Jack, I’ve missed you. The poor unsuspecting secretary says she’d be delighted, and that training “takes four weeks, and then you can go long-distance!” Jack is having wayyyyy too much fun and leans in to tell her in her ear, “That won’t be a problem.” The secretary is all turned on and he winks at her. He seriously just made that lady’s day. Jack Harkness, spreading love and joy and inappropriate comments all over Britain. Probably a few space-diseases as well. Rhys and Jack hop in one of the trucks and chat about Gwen as they drive. Rhys gives him some shit about hiring Gwen and putting her in danger, but he seems to have accepted things the way they are. He does tell Jack “I wish you were a bit uglier.” Jack laughs and Rhys asks if he’s gay. Ohhhhh, there isn’t really a word for what Jack is, boyo. It’d take too many hyphens, for one thing. Also, the scene abruptly cuts off after that line with no reaction shot from Jack, which, what the hell? I at least wanted to see his face while he tried to figure out the answer to that one. Did John Barrowman keep laughing through the takes or something? Feh. Anyway, they pull the truck in somewhere and Gwen’s waiting for them. Apparently they’re loading the Torchies into the back of the truck and sneaking em in Trojan Horse style. Owen helps Tosh in, Ianto hops up, and Rhys kisses Gwen before she gets in. Jack pauses for a second, waiting for his kiss, but doesn’t get one and hops in last. Awwwwww. Also? Four Torchies stuck in a small enclosed space in the dark for a long space of time? I hope Rhys doesn’t try to investigate any mysterious thumping noises he might hear coming from back there. Just sayin.

The Torchies pass around flashlights and start loading their guns and getting ready. Jack is doling out assignments but Gwen once again has to make everything ALL ABOUT HER. Rhys looks determined and pulls the truck into the parking lot at the warehouse and sends the two workers outside off on errands. I’m actually super proud of Rhys this episode. As much as I can’t respect him because he’s still with Gwen, I think he’s an okay guy, and for a non-Torchie he’s actually performing really well under pressure. Oh, I’m sorry, right. Snark filter back on. Rhys chats with the Scruffies while the Torchies vanish off into the warehouse. Ianto and Owen walk through a little hallway full of gross, bloody spaaaaaaace meeeeeeeeat and Ianto says, “Mmmmmm!” Owen gives him a death glare. You’re just mad because he’s winning, dear. Jack and the girls head into the big room and see the creature for the first time. They stand there with their mouths hanging open while we zoom out and out and out, until they’re just little tiny figures on the floor, and still less then half of the creature is in the frame. Jack seems to be rethinking his brilliant “bring it back home” idea. They spot a worker standing in a little sort of tunnel or mine into the side of the thing, hacking away at it. The monster is whimpering, and it’s really upsetting. The guy pulls out a few blocks of meat and loads them onto a hand truck. When he goes by, Jack tazes him into unconsciousness and they come forward to look at Blobulous a little more closely. “Imprisoned, chained, and drugged,” Jack mumbles, “Welcome to planet Earth.” A gigantic, foggy eye opens up, and Tosh whispers that it heard them – it must be sentient. They go over to investigate the huge, gaping hole in the thing’s side, and Gwen and Tosh have to stop several feet away. Jack, getting misty, walks right up and touches the thing’s side gently. “What have they done to you, my poor friend?” he says softly. I also love John Barrowman for being able to deliver corny lines like that in a voice that makes me tear up.

Elsewhere, Owen takes out another worker, then sighs in exasperation and grabs the unconscious guy’s ass. Has it really been that long, Owen? Oh, he pulls a gun out of the guy’s waistband. “Everyone,” he says quietly into his mike, “they’re armed.” Gwen whispers Rhys’ name and I so do not care. Ianto runs around in some stairwells. Outside, Rhys is getting jumpy as the scruffy workers load up the truck with spaaaaaaace meeeeat. I’m … not sure they have an exit strategy here. A nerdy-looking bad guy rolls up on a bike, and they yell at him for being late. He says he was getting more painkillers for Blobulous, since it’s in so much pain. They scoff at him for being a baby, and tell Rhys they’ll load up three more bags and then send him off. Rhys fidgets nervously. Inside, Owen rummages through some shelves of chemicals, and a few floors down, Ianto’s just been busted. “Hellooooo!” he calls to the bad guy, souping his accent up to truly adorable levels. He rifles his pockets, saying he has a form – oh here it is. If by “form” you mean “tazer” and by “here it is” you mean “I’ma shock you with it.” I loves me some badass Ianto. He catches the unconscious worker and, looking grim, drags him off into another room. Owen, you’ve got some serious catching up to do. Outside, Rhys is supposed to have left by now and hops in the truck. But one of the workers has spotted Ianto pulling his Hamlet routine again and calls the boss on a walkie. The boss punches Rhys out before he can get away, and Gwen is whining again. SHUT UP. She tells Ianto to go check if Rhys is clear yet. Ianto’s all, oh yeah sure, and by the way, I’m fine, thanks for asking. He heads back upstairs and is promptly surrounded by guys with guns. I hope Gwen’s happy now. If Ianto gets so much as a bloody nose out of this Gwen is dead to me. Well, dead-er. The scruffies decide to tie up Rhys and Ianto and lock all the doors. Owen watches from behind some shelves and slips away. “They’ve got Rhys and Ianto,” he says quietly into his mike, and Gwen flips out. I want to shoot her. Shoot her all kinds of dead. Luckily Jack grabs her by the arm but neglects to actually taze her ass. Dammit, Jack! The scruffies drag Ianto and Rhys into the big room and hold them at gunpoint. Vic, the nerdy guy with the bike, tries to stop them. I knew I liked that guy. A scruffy points his gun at Rhys and yells for their friends to show themselves. Time for Gwen to fuck everything up. She comes out and surrenders, and Ianto stares at her in horror. She gives up her gun. Damn it Gwen.

Gwen says she’s the only other one, but another worker has spotted Tosh and Jack. Now that Gwen’s fucked everything up they’re outnumbered, so they have to come out with their hands up too and drop their weapons. Hmmmmm, Owen may be able to pull this off with a daring solo rescue. Because that … would be so in character for him. Right? Ahem. Jack starts speechifying at the scruffies (and Vic, although he’s a tad scruffy himself) that they’ve found a sentient creature and they need to stop torturing it. Vic is horrified. It turns out the speech is mostly to distract the guys with guns while Ianto peels the ropes off his wrists. I was wondering why he was making such weird faces, but sometimes you just never know with Ianto. However, he’s not fast enough, as Head Scruffy fires at Gwen. Rhys, of course, takes the bullet, and Ianto takes Scruffy down. I wonder where Owen is. Probably halfway back to Cardiff by now, the cowardly bastard. And chaos! Jack whips out his gun, but Ianto’s fighting with Scruffy and Jack won’t risk hitting him. Meanwhile, Blobulous is getting more and more riled up, as the painkillers start wearing off. It’s howling and straining against the cables tying it down. Ianto’s kind of getting his ass kicked here, and Scruffy finally points the gun at him and fires. Click. Phew. Scruffy runs off and Jack shrieks for Ianto to follow him. Ianto gives him a look like, are you fucking KIDDING ME? Jack tries to call up Owen on the com, and says they need him to get the painkillers down there quickly to sedate Blobulous. Owen’s doing what he does best, namely mixing random shit together to see what happens. Vic comes running in the door and Owen flips out and grabs him, but Vic says he wanted nothing to do with the whole thing, and that if the creature’s woken up, it’s too late to sedate it. A hand appears over his shoulder, and it’s holding a tazer. Night, Vic! Ianto pops around the corner and tells Owen to hurry the hell up. I love Ianto. The other two scruffies are in the office, trying to get away with the money, but Ianto comes busting in the door in full-on Terminator mode and shocks the hell out of one of them. From the angle, it looks like he got him in the balls. That’s cold, man. The other guy goes for a gun but Ianto calmly kicks it out of his hand and presses the barrel of the tazer to his forehead. “Pray they survive,” he hisses, and pulls the trigger. Then he stomps back out. Oh my God. I’m calling it for Ianto right now. Also, watching that scene again because OH MY GOD.

Owen has ditched the stuff he was mixing and grabbed a different bottle with what looks like a biohazard symbol on it. “Change in plan,” he mutters to himself, and rushes into the big room. He stops almost immediately when he sees the huge mound of alien he’s dealing with, and looks ready to run right back out, but gets it together and tells Blobulous he’s sorry. He fills a big syringe with stuff from the bottle and slams a dose into the thing’s neck. It starts screaming and Jack yells at him for making things worse. Owen just ignores him and runs back for another dose. He gives it another hit, this time in the nose, and the creature’s thrashing weakens. Owen staggers back and says it’s working, and a horrified look comes over Jack’s face.
“What did you do?” Owen gasps that it was a mercy killing. Then he does this weird spazzy thing with his hand. I’ve watched it three times but I still have no idea. Jack sighs and looks sick. Maybe you shouldn’t’ve put the guy who voted to kill it in charge of the dangerous chemicals, Jack. He walks over and puts his hand on the creature’s head, looking into its eye. Gwen has Rhys cradled in her arms and has been shrieking at him this whole scene but I’ve chosen to ignore it up until now. She’s telling him it’s going to be okay, just keep your eyes open and keep breathing… we watch as the creature’s eyes close. Owen checks on Rhys quickly and the creature lets out a particularly pathetic whimper. Owen stands up suddenly and walks up to it, his arms out. “I … I’m sorry.” he stammers, “I’m so, so sorry.” He staggers a little, and Tosh comes over to him. He grabs her hand convulsively and pulls her to him. The three of them stand there and watch the creature die. Dammit, Torchwood, why are you so depressing?

Even more depressing, Rhys has survived. Owen’s patching him up, and from the ramp Ianto tells him, “Next time? Let her take the bullet.” Hear, hear. Jack tells him they retconned all the Scruffies, and Rhys is annoyed that they’re not going to court. Jack points out the relative infeasability of trying trying to charge someone with alien kidnapping and torture. Rhys asks what happened to the creature and everybody looks sad. Jack says they incinerated it. Then he takes Gwen aside and says they’ll have to retcon Rhys, too. Gwen says she’ll take the pill and give it to him at home. Jack is pissed because he knows she’s lying but can’t really do anything about it, so he hands over the pill and Cardiff’s Unhappiest Couple leave. Rhys tells her that getting shot in the chest made him really want an ice cream, so they head down to the waterfront, where Rhys unintentionally guilt-trips her by telling her how he won’t be able to look at the world the same way any more. He marvels at all the “worlds and planets and stuff spinning out there,” and says he wants to know all about it and about all the aliens. He says he’s even warmed up to Jack. Just then his cell rings – it’s Secret Boyfriend Dav! Rhys proves where his loyalties lie by walking a little bit off to talk to his real sweetheart. Gwen looks at the retcon pill and sulks, because Rhys will never love her as much as he does Secret Boyfriend Dav.

Back in Torchwood, Torchies do Torchie stuff. Suddenly Gwen barges in and screams that she won’t retcon Rhys. The other Torchies give her the stinkeye and say she has to, but she keeps yelling that she won’t lie to him anymore. Jack storms in and she says they can’t understand because they don’t have anyone they care about outside of Torchwood. She says Rhys was really brave and heroic and she won’t take that away from him, and threatens to quit if they make her do it.  Jack looks upset. He says that she can’t just go back to her old life, and she says she won’t care. Jack says he would. I can totally buy that Jack cares about Gwen a lot, but in a not-sexual way, so that’s how I’m choosing to interpret this because otherwise I’ll want to kill someone. He lets her go, and says to give Rhys his love. She leaves and the other Torchies glare at Jack. He ignores them and goes to his office to sulk, and also to watch Gwen and Rhys on a hidden camera, because Jack is adorable but still a total creepster. Gwen and Rhys have another oogy kiss, and Jack just sighs and stares off into nothing.

Next Time: OWEN IN A CARDIGAN! AND NERD SPECS! He wins this episode already. Also he tells Tosh he loves her, Jack has a little brother (and also MAJOR ISSUES), and Ianto apparently likes to kill people. Sweet.