Rhys and Gwen are being sickeningly adorable as per usual. Also, Rhys is naked as per usual. He’s in bed and Gwen is getting ready for work, with her super-professional Converse All Stars on. I guess the low-tops say “these are serious shoes”? At least Gwen seems to think so. Anyway, naked Rhys keeps dragging her back into bed and she keeps laughing and trying to beg off to go to work without hurting his feelings. She says coming home to him is the best part of her day. There’s a pause, and Rhys pretends to throw up and Gwen starts laughing. But who cares, because OWEN IS WEARING A BEIGE CARDIGAN AND NERD GLASSES. I … I sort of can’t handle it. Unless Ianto comes out and sings a little song or something I don’t think there’s really anything he can do at this point. Fifty seconds in and I’m pretty much calling it for Owen here. He looks like an adorable, nerdy old man and I wanna pinch his cheeks. Er, I mean, Owen is looking through some papers and Jack comes in, yelling at the top of his classically-trained-musical-theatre lungs. Inside voice, Jack! Christ! He hands some stuff off to Tosh, and tells Owen to go do something else, and hands some other work off to Adam. Who the fuck is Adam, you ask? He’s a young, husky guy with blondish hair that’s several inches too long for my taste. It’s nearly a mullet. We learn that Adam’s been at Torchwood for three years, and Gwen comes back, saying Paris was lovely. Does your head hurt yet? I’ve been watching Lost for the past several weeks so this is nothing to me, but I can understand where most people may not have built up such a tolerance for mindfuckery yet. At the sound of her voice, Adam goes all sinister-sketchy and whips his head back to look at her. Gwen stares at him, then speaks for the audience when she asks, “Who the hell is this?” Everyone looks horrified. Adam laughs and says she’s just making fun because that’s what he said on her first day. Then he reaches out to touch her shoulder and says, “Remember?” She does, in fact. And she laughs at her own joke and gives her old buddy Adam a big hug. “Hey, Tosh!” she adds, “You’re looking good!” And she is, actually. Her hair’s up all nice and she’s showing a little cleavage, so maybe we’re getting Independent and Awesome Tosh this episode instead of Sad Sack Weepy Pathetic Tosh. Owen doesn’t get a compliment, but maybe Gwen just doesn’t like old-man sweaters on young guys.

credits!

Adam (whose last name is apparently Smith) is stealthily adding his info to the personnel files, so my guess is he only just showed up this morning. Tosh comes in with a nifty little box with a pattern on it somewhere between a maze and a circuit board. She asks if Adam’s been able to figure out anything about it and he says no. Then he reaches out and touches the back of her neck. We see a few quick cuts of things Tosh is fake-remembering, most of them involving her flirting with Adam, and when she snaps out of it she leans in and they make out. I love how on Torchwood powers are only ever used for superficial, selfish ends. It just seems a lot more realistic. I mean, if I could do what Adam can I honestly can’t promise you I wouldn’t do the same damn thing to any hot chick I met. Adam says he’s flattered she remembers it’s the anniversary of their first kiss, and there’s a bang from a nearby desk. Owen is pointedly shuffling some crap around. Oh man, is he going to have an unrequited crush on Tosh? Because that would sort of make my day. Tosh asks if something’s wrong, and in a very not-Owen sort of way, Owen stammers out that he wasn’t expecting that kind of behavior at work, is all. He snaps off his latex gloves bitchily and storms off, doing that barely-repressed-rage thing that nerds do so well. Tosh shrugs it off. I. Love. Nerdy. Owen. Also, as we pan away, Adam does that “I was fake smiling but now that you can’t see me I’m going to GLOWER EVILLY” thing, you know, just in case you weren’t sure by now that he’s tooooootallly eeeeevil. Also, Zachary Quinto does that thing way better. Just sayin.

Down in the cells, Jack stalks past Janet, who snarls at him. “Save it!” he bellows in its face, and stomps on. Oh man. Is this … is this going to be like that Star Trek episode where Janeway and company were all evil? And had awesome hair? Because that is the best episode ever. Although the weird-personality thing makes tons of sense if you consider a person to be the sum of their experiences – if Owen’s life had turned out differently he could in fact have become that nervous little ticking-time-bomb of rage from the previous scene. Sorry, I’m blathering, but this is a fucking cool premise. Mad props to writing staff. All is forgiven. (For now.) As Jack walks away he suddenly sees a little boy in one of the cells, and we get that flash again of a hand slipping away, the one we saw when Captain Hart mentioned Grey. Also, I’m totally naming the kid Harlock because of his ridiculous hair. Gwen comes in and startles him, and when he looks back, Harlock’s gone. Gwen smacks his ass and asks if he missed her, and he laughs and chases her flirtily from the room. Oh dear, they’re a couple. Oh well, I’ll allow it in Bizarro Torchwood. Also, Gwen is being kind of cute and not as whiny as usual. I think we should leave her this way.

The team are sitting around and listening to Tosh talk about Rift activity, when a little stuffed squirrel pops out from behind her monitor. Owen makes the squirrel talk to Tosh in this weird little voice, then asks her haltingly if she likes it. The rest of the team try to smother their laughter at him and it’s clear that this goes on all the time, and I am laughing so hard at Owen right now. This is the best episode ever. But wait, there’s more. “Just what I need,” snips Tosh sarcastically, “Some little rodent staring at me while I work.” It’s so funny but at the same time so horrible and pathetic, and I’m really going to have to put down some cushions or something, because I’m really worried I’m going to actually fall out of my chair. Tosh adds, “I think I’ll name it Owen!” Nerdy Owen is crushed. Tosh smirks and leaves, and Owen hugs his folders to his chest and retreats to his lab to cry for awhile. Ianto and Gwen giggle and she says, “He’s like a little puppy bringing her sticks!” Adam tells them he thinks it’s sweet, and they should lay off. He smirks to himself and stares at the ceiling, trying to think of new twists for this little soap opera he’s created.

Gwen comes home and puts down her purse, and oh man. This isn’t going to be good. She screams when Rhys comes out and gooses her, and demands to know who he is and how he got in. She pulls her gun on him. Rhys is a little worried, but things are way easier now that he hasn’t been retconned – I’m actually really happy they decided to do that, because now that this has happened I’m sure he’s figured something weird happened to her at work and she’s lost her memory. Gwen tells him not to move and calls Jack for help. Rhys is at loose ends here, and looks a little teary, but he’s staying calm. Maybe he figures Jack’s going to fix things. Jack pulls in and comes tearing up the drive, accompanied by Adam, who probably had to invite himself along to fix this little mess. I imagine this power would be cool at first but probably gets really messy really fast. Now there’s three guns pointed at Rhys, who is getting kind of fed up with all this. Gwen says that this guy knows her name, and has put photoshopped pictures of them up all over the apartment, so he’s probably some kind of crazy stalker. “He’s delyuuuuuuuded!” she shrieks, accent cranking up to eleven. Jack wants to know what she’s talking about, since that’s her fiance she’s got the gun pointed at. Oh, so they’re not dating. Rhys wants to know what the hell Torchwood’s done to his fiancee’s brain, and Jack says it’s not their fault. He calms everybody down and tries to get all the guns put away, while Adam watches intensely. Gwen is only persuaded to start believing Rhys when he tells her that he bought the engagement ring she’s wearing. She stares at it in confusion, like she can almost remember. Finally Adam steps forward and gently tells Gwen they’ll take her back to Torchwood and see what’s going on with her head. He leads her off, and Jack assures Rhys they’ll find out what happened and fix it.

In his lab, Nerdy Owen shines a light in Gwen’s eyes and says he can’t figure out what’s going on. Adam watches in mock concern. Back at Rhys’ place, Jack is setting up a video camera. No, not like that! He just wants Rhys to make a video so Gwen can watch it and try to remember. He asks Rhys how they met, where their first kiss was (in line at the supermarket – hee), and so on, while Gwen watches the feed back in Deep-13. None of it seems to be ringing any bells. Rhys is getting all choked up and it’s really touching, but Gwen says she doesn’t feel anything for him. Adam pats her hand pityingly and says probably her mind is just playing tricks on her, but that Rhys really is her fiance. Down in the lab, Nerdy Owen (it’s really impossible for me to think of him as just Owen, it’s so weird) is running the little maze box through a little MRI or something, and Tosh comes in and asks how he’s getting on. He says not so well, actually, and they may have to stay all night. But luckily he’s brought … sandwiches! He’s trying so hard to be casual about it, and tosses one over to Tosh but ruins it when he says “smoked salmon … that’s your favorite, right?” She wants to know how he found that out. Ooops. Poor Nerdy Stalker Owen. He’s got no good answer for that, and she says she’s going to get some beer. Owen continues talking long after she’s left, ignoring him completely, and he sighs and stares at the table.

YayyyyyyyIanto! We haven’t seen much of him yet, but he is wearing all black, which is promising. I hope it’s the Badass sort of all-black and not the Emo kind. He leads Gwen into her apartment, and Jack and Rhys look up nervously. Or is it guiltily? How long were they in there with the camera? Okay, anyway, Gwen clings onto Jack and begs him not to leave her, but he tells her she’ll be fine and gently unhooks her fingers from the Coat of Awesome, which she is wrinkling. He firmly puts her hands away from him, and this is how Jack-Gwen should always work out in my opinion. No, bad Gwen! No jumping up! Down, down Gwen! Jack leaves, and Ianto gives her a little thumbs-up before following, so we still don’t know if Bizarro Ianto’s a super-secret ninja mercenary, but I can keep hoping, can’t I? Ianto tosses Jack the keys and says there’s been a weevil sighting, but Jack’s had a sighting of his own, since Harlock’s standing right on the sidewalk. Jack stares at him in horror and asks if Ianto can see him too. Ianto says no and starts seriously considering getting the keys back because Jack is clearly in no state to drive. Jack says he’ll drop Ianto off and go find the weevil himself. Ianto tries to dissuade him, but Jack says he’ll be fine.

Back in the lab, Tosh and her breasts offer Owen a beer. She sits up on the table and crosses her legs and hi there, Tosh’s thighs! Long time … never seen, actually. She clinks her bottle against his and says they’re celebrating because she and Adam have been together one year today. Owen nearly swallows his own tongue. Tosh, you are such a bitch. I kind of love it. She goes on and on about how wonderful Adam is and how great they are together and then adds, “know what I mean?” Owen fidgets with his beer and says no, actually, he doesn’t. Tosh grins evilly and says he’ll meet the right girl one day. “Yeah,” he mumbles, “Er … Tosh. Do you … do you really think I … look like … a rodent?” Sad Owennerd is sad. Bitchy Tosh ignores the question and says they need to get to work. Sad Owennerd is even sadder.

Jack is down in some sewers, looking for the weevil. He hears some splashes and follows them, but it’s just another ghost, this one a man with black goggles around his neck. “…Dad?” Jack says. Jack’s dad tells him to get out while he still can, and yells, “RUN!” Jack runs. Right into Adam. He’s confused, but Adam says, “I came with you, Jack … remember?” He touches Jack’s shoulder, and he does remember. He’s still really shaken up, and Adam seems genuinely worried when he asks what Jack saw. “My past,” Jack says ominously.

Casa de Awkward. Gwen and Rhys sit on the couch and make awkward conversation. She still won’t let him touch her, and he finally gets annoyed and gets himself a drink.

Jack and Adam. Adam pursues Jack through the rain like a jilted girlfriend, and really seems to want to know what’s up. “What do you mean your past? Is it your childhood?” Jack turns around, and his face is scary. Adam puts a friendly arm on his shoulder and reminds Jack that he’s always been there for him. Jack sniffles and says he buried those memories 150 years ago, and as he says this he starts to sound more like himself and less like the more spineless, emotional, anger-management-needing Bizarro Jack. He whirls away from Adam, who keeps following him. Jack says he can’t afford to remember what happened, and Adam is seriously frustrated. He glowers after Jack and keeps following, begging him to confide in him. They finally stop on a basketball court and Jack gives in. He closes his eyes and makes some sex-faces and I laugh. Aaaaaand FlashJack! Awwwww it’s baby Jack! This is gonna be pretty much straight recap for this scene, since it’s super-depressing and also it’s Jack’s damn backstory, which we’ve never heard before.  MiniJack runs along some sand dunes, and climbs up one to see a big futuristic city on the horizon (Jack is from the future, if you didn’t know, time-traveled back to Earth’s past and has lived forward at a normal rate from there). Also, I’m assuming for now that these particular memories are real. In a sort of trancey tone, he tells Adam that he grew up in the 51st century, and there was an invasion. We see kids in beige-colored outfits and black goggles running over the dunes. In the present, Jack is starting to lose it. We can hear kids screaming, and Jack’s dad tells him to go and take Grey with him. Harlock is Grey, ps, so I’m sticking with his real name from here on. That is some spectacular hair, though. I make fun only because I am jealous. MiniJack takes Grey’s hand, and their dad screams for them to run. In the present, Jack breaks down crying. He says Grey’s hand slipped out of his and he didn’t even notice. In the past, MiniJack dives for cover, realizes Grey isn’t with him, and runs back out to see the beach covered in bodies. Present Jack is sobbing. MiniJack runs all the way home to find his dad dead. Jack sobs that he never found his brother, not even a body. He walks away from Adam, absorbed in his own massive trauma.

Back on base, Owen’s getting some trauma of his own. Tosh snarks that the box they’ve been obsessing over is made of boring old wood, and Owen says maybe it got mixed in with other stuff by mistake and picked up the radiation they’ve been detecting that way. Tosh snots that that’s a stupid idea, and Owen stares at the table, stammering an apology for being so idiotic. Ianto gives Owen a pitying look and says he saw Jack bring it in, and Tosh corrects him and says it was Adam. Ianto gives her a look that makes me think maybe he’s immune to Adam’s little mind tricks. Awwww, no Bizarro Ianto. He says he’ll go check the logs. He leaves Tosh and Owen alone. Noooooo. I’ve gotten over the funny a little bit and now I’m starting to feel really bad for the poor guy. Which is weird because I don’t feel bad for Tosh, but Owen’s just so much more adorable. Maybe seeing a girl be this pathetic offends my women’s-college sensibilities. Tosh sighs, and says Adam hasn’t called her back yet. Owen shoves his hands in his pockets and says, if it were him, he’d never forget to call. Especially on their anniversary. He chuckles nervously and says, “In fact I would … ah … cherish you.” Ohhhh it’s so painful. Tosh sort of laughs at him and he continues, “In fact I wouldn’t let you out of my sight because in fact Tosh, I ah …” DON’T DO IT “love you.” NOOOOO. It sort of slips out and he looks panicked. “There, now I’ve said it! I love you!” He giggles with a slight note of hysteria. Tosh looks like she just found dog poo on the bottom of her favorite shoes. Owen starts stammering on and on about how he aches for her and she tries to interrupt but he plows on and I am kind of falling in love with Owennerd here. He is so desperately pathetic. He keeps rambling on and on, and then quite abruptly runs out of momentum, trails off, and mutters, “oh. God.” Heeeeeeee. Tosh is so full of rage right now. Owen watches her in terrified silence, then squeaks, “say something?” She does that slow head-turn that means some bad shit is about to go down, and hisses, “That … is … completely inappropriate!” She rounds the table in fury and bitches him out, saying she already has a boyfriend, and even if she didn’t she would never, ever go out with him. She storms out, and Owen stares at the floor for awhile, mouth moving silently. “oh.” he says, very quietly. Owen, you can have all of Ianto’s trauma-hugs for this episode, okay? Come and let me make you some tea. And stop snivelling, you’re getting that adorable little cardigan all snotty.

Gwen and Rhys are out getting some groceries since they’re out of food at the apartment. Rhys is telling her she’s lost her mind, but he’s lost his girlfriend, and wondering who’s worse off. He heads for the checkout, and the cashier gets a call on his cell phone and walks off. Rhys throws a fit, and tosses some money down on the counter, shouting, “Oh, here, I’ll help meself, keep the change! And buy some spot cream while you’re at it!” It’s more joking than actually angry, and Gwen starts giggling. Then suddenly her face goes blank. “Rhys the rant,” she says suddenly, “Always. When you’re in a queue or you’re driving … or … when you’re on one of those automated phone-thingies …” she bursts into tears, and Rhys takes her hand and says it’s okay. She seems to be getting some of her memories back. Awww, that’s adorable, they’re like Desmond and Penny only less likeable.

Down in the darkened lounge, Ianto is getting some alone time with his diary. He looks deeply disturbed, and leans forward, thinking. When he leans back again, Adam is beside him. “What’s wrong?” he asks, and Ianto jumps a mile. “My … diary.” he says haltingly, “You’re … not in it. Everyone else is.” Scratch my theory then. He says he has memories of a guy who doesn’t exist, and suddenly Adam’s hand starts flickering like the image on a tv. Adam looks furious and grabs at his wrist until it stabilizes. “What are you?” Ianto gasps, and Adam flings him against the wall. “Cross me,” he snarls, “And I will fill you full of memories that will set your head on fire. That’s how I exist.” Ianto wants to know what Adam did to Gwen, and he quite cheerfully explains that there’s only so much storage in a person’s head, and sometimes putting more stuff in wipes some old stuff out. He grabs Ianto’s head suddenly. “Remember this.” Ianto convulses in pain. “I know you didn’t mean to kill her. But you just couldn’t help yourself. Remember this–”
“I didn’t do that!“
“Oh yes you did.” We see clip after clip of Ianto hunting women down and strangling them. Ianto fights to hang on, gasping out, “my … diary …” but Adam just grabs him companionably by the neck and says “Human record is a lie. You make it what you want to believe. But we know the truth, don’t we?” Ianto screams and begs for mercy. Okay, Owen? I’m gonna need some of those hugs back now. “I help you dump the bodies,” Adam tells him, “It’s me you call.” He kisses Ianto hard on the mouth and snuggles him close. “You know,” he tells him, “I forgot what a rush it is – feeding in the bad stuff.” Ianto clings to him. Caps of sad are insufficient. Adam drops Ianto to the floor, where he absolutely loses his shit and just starts screaming.

tbc